Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Upgrade Status to: Douchelord

There comes a time, after even the worst of break-ups, that the heavens part, the lightbulb comes on, and a booming voice from above tells you "You are better off". 

She's pretty, she's cute, she's popular to boot..
It's not always a booming voice. Sometimes, it's a shouting match over who gets territorial rights to the favorite bar (I won..I mean, "my friend" won), or sometimes it's a mere exchange of text messages. When my beautiful, kind, and funny friend Alyssa from Life of Blyss told me about a recent conversation with her ex, my end of the conversation went something like this:

Me: Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. So...can I blog about this?

I may not be a good listener, but I am a good avenger. (Is that a word? Or just a comic book?) And avenge her I will. By posting, with her permission, the entire text conversation. 

Oh yes. It just went there. Do I even need to mention that he ended their two year relationship via email?

Oh. Hell. No.

Read on, cringe a little, and leave my girl some love via comments. Because hello? I'm pretty sure Moses didn't hear the burning bush as clearly as she's hearing that she's better off. All sidenotes are from me. [Disclaimer from Alyssa: He's done a total 180 from the two years that we dated. I did NOT date this guy you see here. I'm not a complete idiot.]

*Names have been changed to protect the rude and poorly endowed. 

Background info: J* (my ex) used to talk a whole lot of shit about his roommate Sam and said he didn't want to be in his wedding (I'm a bridesmaid in it). Sam caught wind of it and asked if it was true. I confirmed it. So a few days ago J blocked me on Fbook bc he was mad "I ran and told Sam" all this shit.... And because I'm TOO NICE, I sent the following text.....

Alyssa: I want to let you know, for your peace of mind, that I never threw you under the bus. When LM came to me asking if it was true, I tried to be neutral. My reaction to her accusations were not the best poker face, but I think you know me and that I wouldn't run to LM and tell her those things out of the blue. So, I know you can't hear my tone in my texts, but I am not at all sending this in a mean way. I'm better than running to Sam and telling him stuff, and if anything, I was hoping you would be in the wedding so we could just start over as friends. I was told you stepped out of the wedding bc of the bar exam and was disappointed.

J: I just want u to know that I am over you 100% and u made that so easy for me with your recent decisions! I think you are a conniving bitch that will do anything to get back at me or get your way in general, you say you want to be friends but actions speak louder than words!! So with that being said will you please stop texting me!! [Sidenote: please keep the exclamation points to a minimum, less they lessen their effect.]

Alyssa: Believe what you want. It clearly doesn't matter anymore. But I know that you know me and you know I loved you and wouldn't do that to you. And I thought it would make you feel better to know that. [On a normal human, this tactic would have worked, but obviously he doesn't have feelings.]

J: Like I said please stop texting me I don't know how else to be nice about this aly I mean if it takes calling u a slut or a bitch to piss you off so you'll stop texting me I will but I dont want it to come to that!! Ps I got some new pussy leave me alone [Say whaaaa?]

Alyssa: Oh cool. Good luck with your new pussy. I'm sure she appreciates being called that.

J: Haha it's what we called u in the beginning

Alyssa: I'm sad for you. [1000 pts for Alyssa]

J: See ya at the wedding

Oh. NO. He. Di'nt. 

Final score: 

Alyssa: 105,906,390 

J: 0


Hines-Sight said...

That's pretty terrible. That's about all I can say. Total jerk if he said, "I've got new....". I feel sorry for the girl he is seeing now. But, I'm happy for Alyssa. She's rid of him, and now can perhaps meet a good guy.

It's tough to be young, go through all that shit, but eventually, the right man will come along.....for some it is soon, and for others it takes awhile, but it's all about the right timing.

I truly worry about young people today (my children) and the casual ease of texting these days.

My sitter has had several break ups over text. It's tacky! If you date someone, and are in a relationship. Talk to them to their face. I know it's hard and no one wants to do it...or use the phone...yes I'm a dinosaur.

Feeling like it every day.

Haughty by Nature said...

Very encouraging, Leigh!

And you are not a dinosaur, you just expect people to have a little class, man up, and not hide behind electronic devices when communicating about a relationship.

Even I worry about the casual ease of texting these days. I like using texts for short, quick messages, not as a substitute for phone conversations or actual in-person interactions. Sigh.

Jana said...

woah......we sure he isn't in high school. What an ass... I know what she is saying, please do not think when I dated him that he was like this. It's scary that someone can change that much. If I ever move to where she lives, I'm going to need a full name so I can stay away. Girls need to be warned, haha. and eww, classy guys do not calls girls what he called his new POA. and I don't think his score is just at 0, I'm going to say it's about -45. At least she knows that he is a true ass instead of them breaking up and her thinking she lost something really good. You can't change crazy...

Bird said...

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”
Wayne Dyer

...I think Karma is going to kick this guy's arse ;)

Christina said...

wow, what a douche. this is hilarious though. i really love that she said she was sad for him. haahha

Alyssa @ Life of bLyss said...

I love your comments. Esp the note regarding the exclamations. aahaha. LOVE YOU.

Colleen @ The Lunchbox Diaires said...

Wow. Just..wow. What a douche lord. Seriously. Alyssa is way to pretty and funny for that guy. She's winning. He's a big fat loser.

Adrienne said...

I am so glad texting and FB were not around when I was single.

Your friend is drop dead gorgeous - and she sounds like a smart, balanced and mature person. It's actually a good thing that this exchange happened because now, when he tries to get her back - and he will - she'll remember what a prick he really is.

Allison @ Happy Tales said...

I'm so glad you did this, Ensley!! And I hope the doucebag somehow comes across this and reads it. Bird's comment above about Karma is SO TRUE!! Alyssa has some major good ahead of her...

Anonymous said...

WOW. As a buddy of Alyssa this makes me SO glad she is no longer dating him. Sometimes you need this sort of thing to REALLY be completely through with the relationship, though. To finalize the fact that you (Alyss) deserve SO much better. Disgusting. Sad someone with such little maturity is on the brink of becoming a lawyer. -jamie

Shae Majors said...

so when you say bar...i assume he studying to be a lawyer.....what a dumb douche he is already.

Lawyers = liars! More fairly, they know how to manipulate the truth, which is obvious in his mentally twisted texts.

Want my advise? Pretend he doesn't exist at this wedding! Give him a taste of his own medicine and don't even give him the benefit of doubt. Don't look his way and especially don't look his way if he's got his sluty mcsluterton with him! Hopefully this will really piss him off and send him with his head hung and his tail between his legs!

The best advice my mom ever gave me was to look or appear like you are having the best time at an event (even if you aren't)! Dance, laugh, smile, hug, converse! Not only will it show small boy balls here what he's missing, but MEN, real men, can't help but be attracted to the bell of the ball! (And eventually if you are pretending, the fun will just take over!)

PS: Aly- beautiful pic! Thank you for standing up for women everywhere! I don't think I could have been as mature as you were in your responses - Bless You!

Zandi Watts said...

I hate that guy. Aly, you're better off.

Nicole @ Of Cookies and Carrots said...

I commented about his eligibility for tool academy on twitter, but it's really just sad that a) he broke up with you over email (I've broken up wtih someone over text once, but that was because he wouldn't respond to things an dI couldn't get ahold of him any other way... hooray high school relationships? lol)
and more importantly... REALLY? the pussy comment is just ridiculous and immature and, well, wow. I am impressed at your handlign of the situation because I probably would have bawled or just gotten really snippy in a compeltely counterproductive sort of way.

you go girl

Katelyn @ Chef Katelyn said...

Pardon my french, but WHAT A DICKWAD.

Alyssa I love you. That's all I really have to say. I have been there, and it took me longer than it should have to realize what a hot piece of ass I am and that I deserved better. When we go for our beach run this summer we can baywatch run and make all of the hot guys at Silver beach swoon but tell them sorry boys, you ain't getting none of this. You will find your Prince Charming and you'll know he's right because he will think the sun shines out of your ass.

movesnmunchies said...

slkjdflksjfkdjfWHAT THE EFF---- ALyssa he is such an ass.. a HUGE JASSS mutha fooka.
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew
love you GIRL!

Anonymous said...

Holy hell. Wow my ex of a year and a half just broke up with me a few weeks ago because of the distant thing and school only to find out he is now dating someone else.

Isn't that funny how life goes and how a relationship can make you feel completely worthless yet you know your better off.

Your words were perfect he is a DOUCHElord and e-mail is ridiculous! You are beautiful and I'm so glad I found your blog.

I also love the text convo it shows how mature he is.

Thank you for this post.

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