There comes a time, after even the worst of break-ups, that the heavens part, the lightbulb comes on, and a booming voice from above tells you "You are better off".
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| She's pretty, she's cute, she's popular to boot.. |
It's not always a booming voice. Sometimes, it's a shouting match over who gets territorial rights to the favorite bar (I won..I mean, "my friend" won), or sometimes it's a mere exchange of text messages. When my beautiful, kind, and funny friend Alyssa from Life of Blyss told me about a recent conversation with her ex, my end of the conversation went something like this:
Me: Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. So...can I blog about this?
I may not be a good listener, but I am a good avenger. (Is that a word? Or just a comic book?) And avenge her I will. By posting, with her permission, the entire text conversation.
Oh yes. It just went there. Do I even need to mention that he ended their two year relationship via email?
Oh. Hell. No.
Read on, cringe a little, and leave my girl some love via comments. Because hello? I'm pretty sure Moses didn't hear the burning bush as clearly as she's hearing that she's better off. All sidenotes are from me. [Disclaimer from Alyssa: He's done a total 180 from the two years that we dated. I did NOT date this guy you see here. I'm not a complete idiot.]
*Names have been changed to protect the rude and poorly endowed.
Background info: J* (my ex) used to talk a whole lot of shit about his roommate Sam and said he didn't want to be in his wedding (I'm a bridesmaid in it). Sam caught wind of it and asked if it was true. I confirmed it. So a few days ago J blocked me on Fbook bc he was mad "I ran and told Sam" all this shit.... And because I'm TOO NICE, I sent the following text.....
Alyssa: I want to let you know, for your peace of mind, that I never threw you under the bus. When LM came to me asking if it was true, I tried to be neutral. My reaction to her accusations were not the best poker face, but I think you know me and that I wouldn't run to LM and tell her those things out of the blue. So, I know you can't hear my tone in my texts, but I am not at all sending this in a mean way. I'm better than running to Sam and telling him stuff, and if anything, I was hoping you would be in the wedding so we could just start over as friends. I was told you stepped out of the wedding bc of the bar exam and was disappointed.
J: I just want u to know that I am over you 100% and u made that so easy for me with your recent decisions! I think you are a conniving bitch that will do anything to get back at me or get your way in general, you say you want to be friends but actions speak louder than words!! So with that being said will you please stop texting me!! [Sidenote: please keep the exclamation points to a minimum, less they lessen their effect.]
Alyssa: Believe what you want. It clearly doesn't matter anymore. But I know that you know me and you know I loved you and wouldn't do that to you. And I thought it would make you feel better to know that. [On a normal human, this tactic would have worked, but obviously he doesn't have feelings.]
J: Like I said please stop texting me I don't know how else to be nice about this aly I mean if it takes calling u a slut or a bitch to piss you off so you'll stop texting me I will but I dont want it to come to that!! Ps I got some new pussy leave me alone [Say whaaaa?]
Alyssa: Oh cool. Good luck with your new pussy. I'm sure she appreciates being called that.
J: Haha it's what we called u in the beginning
Alyssa: I'm sad for you. [1000 pts for Alyssa]
J: See ya at the wedding
Oh. NO. He. Di'nt.
Final score:
Alyssa: 105,906,390
J: 0
Alyssa: I want to let you know, for your peace of mind, that I never threw you under the bus. When LM came to me asking if it was true, I tried to be neutral. My reaction to her accusations were not the best poker face, but I think you know me and that I wouldn't run to LM and tell her those things out of the blue. So, I know you can't hear my tone in my texts, but I am not at all sending this in a mean way. I'm better than running to Sam and telling him stuff, and if anything, I was hoping you would be in the wedding so we could just start over as friends. I was told you stepped out of the wedding bc of the bar exam and was disappointed.
J: I just want u to know that I am over you 100% and u made that so easy for me with your recent decisions! I think you are a conniving bitch that will do anything to get back at me or get your way in general, you say you want to be friends but actions speak louder than words!! So with that being said will you please stop texting me!! [Sidenote: please keep the exclamation points to a minimum, less they lessen their effect.]
Alyssa: Believe what you want. It clearly doesn't matter anymore. But I know that you know me and you know I loved you and wouldn't do that to you. And I thought it would make you feel better to know that. [On a normal human, this tactic would have worked, but obviously he doesn't have feelings.]
J: Like I said please stop texting me I don't know how else to be nice about this aly I mean if it takes calling u a slut or a bitch to piss you off so you'll stop texting me I will but I dont want it to come to that!! Ps I got some new pussy leave me alone [Say whaaaa?]
Alyssa: Oh cool. Good luck with your new pussy. I'm sure she appreciates being called that.
J: Haha it's what we called u in the beginning
Alyssa: I'm sad for you. [1000 pts for Alyssa]
J: See ya at the wedding
Oh. NO. He. Di'nt.
Final score:
Alyssa: 105,906,390
J: 0
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