Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Gowns 2011: Fierce or Fug?

I have to confess: it's been a very, very long time since I watched the Oscars. (Probably because I spend my movie money on total crap vs. deep, Academy-worth fare.) After last night, I remember why: Awards shows are long. The jokes are cheesy. And they make me feel inadequate.

Well, slightly inadequate. It's hard not to look at the priceless gowns, glittering jewelry, and glamorous hair and makeup without feeling...gross. Especially when I compare it to my closet full of Target clothes, Forever 21 jewelry, and hair that hasn't gotten a trim since 2010.

Then there are goddesses like this:

Michelle Williams

I mean, hello? One of the E! commentators called her a "blond Audrey Hepburn", and I have to agree. Verdict? Fierce. And my #1 pick of the night.

Mila Kunis
Hello, bubbies! All I can say is, she looks hot, and it was pretty obvious Justin Timberlake thought so too. Verdict? Fierce.

Mandy Moore

At first, I wasn't sure why Mandy Moore was at the Oscars (don't get me wrong, I love her!), but then realized that not only did she have an amazing dress, she was nominated for Best Original Song. Seriously Mandy? You. Look. Fierce. 

Anne Hathaway

It wasn't so much that Anne's dress was fug, but it wasn't fierce either. To sum it up: too safe. 

Jennifer Hudson
Does anyone else find her bubbies distracting? They seem abnormally high, lopsided, and too small to be peeking out like that. I wish a lot  little more had been left to the imagination. Love the color though. Verdict? Fug.

Sharon Stone

I may have nightmares about this one. First of all, why was Sharon Stone AT the Oscars? Also, why does she look so miserable? Extreme hair, extreme dress, extreme makeup...extremely fug. 

Marisa Tomei

Seriously...what the hell is going on below her hips here. Fug.

Christian Bale

Christian Bale's wife looks beautiful, but what's with his beard? Is it just me, or does it make his head look 8 times bigger than his body? He looks like a freakin' bobble head doll. Fug. 

Now, I loved Reece's look, 

Reece Witherspoon

but wasn't it a little to close to Julia's look in 2001? 

I know that was 10 years ago at this point, but still. Good thing it's Reece: I'll still vote for fierce. 

Amy Adams might have had the most controversial gown of the night, with people saying things like "oh, Amy! No one looks good in a cap sleeve!". I have to deny this as false, based on the fact that Amy Adams looks good in a cap sleeve. I appreciate that she took a risk, and love the deep blue gown with emerald jewelry. And I liked the necklace. Better fierce than boring! Verdict: totally fierce. 

Well...what are YOUR favorite/fug pics from the night? How did you feel about the ceremony itself?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Amy and the Mysterious Changing Shoe Sizes

My dear friend Amy is famous (well, at least in our circle) for rattling off what seem to be completely inaccurate, made up facts. Like the one about shoe sizes fluctuating with your weight.

"Your feet go up or down half a size for, like, every 10 lbs you lose," she said. "But I forget where I read that."

Now, I consider myself pretty informed. I listen to NPR, read good ol' fashioned newspapers, and  occasionally pick up a fashion magazine or two. And I've never, ever heard of this happening. In fact, I thought that shoes were the one clothing item guaranteed to fit, no matter what your weight fluctuated to. I was baffled.

This only encouraged her to make a mock of me at gatherings.

"Ensley's never heard of shoe size changing with your weight," she would say, shaking her head as if I'd declared that I still thought the Earth was flat.

Maybe the Earth was flat, for all I seemed to know about it. I fretted. I pondered. I analyzed. More than that, I became discouraged. If I can't one up everyone in the room with my intelligence, then what's the point of even being in the room? I just couldn't understand how I had never heard of this. Plus, I've just lost weight and I still wear the same shoe size.

Finally, the lightbulb came on. (Ok, it was a dim bulb. This wasn't exactly the most intellectually challenging conundrum my brain has come up against.)

"Wouldn't going up or down half a size just depend on...the brand of the shoe?" I ventured. "Like, at Target you wear a 9.5 8, but at Nine West you wear an 8.5." (This example is merely an illustration, since I do all of my shoe shopping exclusively at Target.)

Amy paused. She blinked. She shrugged. "That makes sense."

Indeed it does. It's comforting to know I can win even the most pointless of arguments, but even more so that I can still wear all of my Manolos Target specials no matter how fat I get.

If the shoe fits...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Hibernation Station

Last weekend, I rushed out of a dinner party to get home, slip on my high heels, and meet my friend for a Night Out On the Town.

Friend showed up. We oohed and aahed over each other's outfits, hair and makeup, and decided to sit and have a drink. 

One drink turned into two, and then into water. (Kind of the reverse of what Jesus did.) Then the heels came off. We moved over to the couch to sit more comfortably. And before we knew it, our Night Out On the Town turned into a Night In On the Couch. 

A very well-dressed night it, might I add. 

Not-so-secretly, I was relieved. This winter has been bitterly cold, and it's taken its toll. I'm tired. I spend my days with four year olds, where I talk loudly and get my feet stepped on a lot. The last thing I want to do on the weekend is drag myself to a crowded bar, where I will tell myself I am neither cold or tired, talk loudly and get my feet stepped on a lot.

I Googled "Why Do Bears Hibernate in Winter?" and got this response from the Lansing State Journal:

Hibernation is a dormant sleep-like state.  By going into hibernation the bears bypass winter when their food supply, nuts and berries, disappears.  Animals like the bear would find it extremely difficult to find enough food during winter, and therefore go into hibernation.

Except for the no-eating part (that sounds awful), I'm basically in hibernation. In the past few months, I've lost all desire to stay out until 2am, much preferring to get an early wake-up out of my Sunday morning. I wish I could say that it's the weather. But I'm afraid that it might just be that I'm growing up. I went on to read:

In order to survive this long period of inactivity the bear must build up its body weight by accumulating fat.  In the months before hibernation bears can gain up to forty pounds of fat per week.

I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-I-N-G. This does not sound good at all.

While in hibernation the bear uses the stored energy it accumulated as fat to survive.  So a bear can lose from fifteen to forty percent of its body weight during the winter just by sleeping!

Holla! I am totally this bear. Now that I'm an official 15 lbs less than when I started, I probably should be going out to show off my hot bod. But then I'd have to stay awake. Or take a break from eating. So...until the weather means sundresses and strappy sandals, I'm going to have to say no thank you. And by "no thank you", I really mean "get the hell out of my cave, I'm trying to hibernate here". 

Monday, February 21, 2011

Haughty Goes to High School

It just so happens that I'm not the only one in my family with quick wit, an incredible wardrobe, and an IQ that would make Einstein's head spin. This may be hard to believe, but my darling cousin Royar, author of the fabulous Young Southern Prep, outshines me in all three areas. She also happens to be stuck at a prep school where everyone pretty much sucks. Luckily, unapologetically mocking people is one of our favorite family pastimes. Relish her guest post below about the joys of frenemies...and being completely better than everyone else. 

That's my girl on the right

One of the greatest high school experiences is going to parties with your best friends and meeting gorgeous new boys. My BFF, H and I had been looking forward our friend's 16th birthday party. Two of our "pseudo" friends were also invited, one of whom was dating H’s ex. H and I both knew it was going to be a trainwreck, so (naturally) we both prepared accordingly. Devilish good looks? Check. Killer dresses? Check. Blackberry and iPhone 4 fully charged? Check. Camera for documenting the evidence? Check. We arrived fashionably late (although I may or may have not told H’s Dad that we couldn’t be “Tardy To The Party”), put our gifts on the table, set our clutches down in another room (H may or may not have had to wrestle my Blackberry out of my arms), and we walked back out to the party. 

H and I have a “special relationship” with one of our friends K. We both kinda think that she’s a white-trash whore, but we’re still friends, because hey, white-trash whores need friends too. So we get out to the party and K introduces us to everyone. I of course, being the Southern Belle I was raised to be, shook every gentleman’s hand. K made some snide comment about me and the classy, proper way I live my life, and I just smiled kindly. Let's review: who was dancing with all the boys at the end of the night and got pictures with all of them? That’s what I thought. By the way, quit pulling up your dress every five seconds, that’s why you don’t wear strapless dresses. You look like a two-cent hooker. But I digress. 

K and her friend KK (don’t ask) decided it would be fun to um..."dance"...with boys who just happened to not be their boyfriends...and so the fun of the night truly began. This story could take hours to tell, so I will sum it up. We all started dancing, pictures were asked for, H got my camera, snapped a few and told me to “stick it in my magic carpet bag” aka my bra. (Don’t act like you’ve never done it either.) The pictures mysteriously ended up on Facebook...and the rest (and their relationships) are history. Woops.

So the moral of these stories are: don’t take pictures in compromising positions and/or situations, take a reality check with your life often and always have your Blackberry ready. Yes, this is my life, and no, you can’t live it.



Monday, February 7, 2011

12 Trends We'd Like to See

My friend Ashley recently sent me this great article via Facebook (thanks Ashley!). At the end was a section called "12 Trends We'd Like to See", and I agreed with every one. See if you do the same:

12 Trends We’d Like to See
“Pull up your pants,” “pay it forward,” and please—please!—”put shopping carts back where they belong.” When we asked readers what fads they look forward to, those topped the list. But they didn’t stop there:
1. Say “You’re welcome” instead of “No problem,” which implies it might have been a problem. -Patricia B., Channahon, Illinois
2. A universal hand signal for poor drivers that means “Sorry, I’m an idiot.”? -Laura M., St. Louis, Missouri
3. An understanding among voters that a negative political ad will disqualify that candidate. -Doug M., Tupelo, Mississippi
4. Allow pro golfers to wear shorts in PGA tournaments. -David G., Moline, Illinois
5. Subject-verb agreement. -Judy G., Atlanta, Georgia
6. More random acts of kindness. -Ken L., Discovery Bay, California
7. People getting along as well as dogs do at the dog park. -Bryant H., Huntsville, Alabama
8. Rather than focus on salary, let’s focus on what one brings to society. -Jerome D., Carlisle, Pennsylvania
9. More inviting, user-friendly porches. -Dr. Bob L., Ogdensburg, New York
10. Less Facebook, more face time. Cherish the people, not their personal Internet accounts. -Mercy S., Binghamton, New York
11. People discussing topics other than sports and home renovations. Something—anything!—deeper than scores and drywall. -Gina B., Joppa, Maryland
12. I just want my cat to stop stepping on my head while I’m trying to sleep. -Eileen E., Fieldsboro, New Jersey
From Reader's Digest October 2010
What are some trends that you would like to see, dear reader?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Just Like Memaw's Kitchen!

In a rare attempt at mid-week socialization, I invited my friend Michelle over for dinner. Since my usual routine goes something like this: home, dinner, whine, wine, bedtime, I thought I needed to spice it up a bit. (Let's just say a reality show would have a hard time scraping together an hour's worth of footage from my week.)

I also had ulterior motives a genuine interest in cooking a vegan meal for someone. (I may have failed to mention this to Michelle before she arrived on my doorstep Wednesday night. My bad.)

On the menu? Hoppin' John (minus the cheese), collard greens (from a can), and vegan cornbread. (Or, as my West Virginia-bred mother would say: beans, greens, n' cornbread.) Don't forget lots of cheap wine!

Ok, ok, this is a picture of the leftovers. Not bad, eh?
Not only did I invite Michelle over as my vegan prisoner guinea pig, but I also failed to actually start making dinner until about five minutes before she arrived. Good thing we had a lot to catch up on! When I told her we were having beans, greens, and cornbread, she gave me a weird look. 

I shot one right back at her and said "What? I thought you were Southern. This is a very traditional Southern dish. Except it has no animal products which I've failed to mention until now. "

Her response? "My mom is from Maine."

Figures. I invited a Yankee over for collards and cornbread. 

Since the recipes were pretty simple (especially those canned collards!) I got to experiment with my super-awesome vegan cornbread! I've made this three times in the past week, tweaking the recipe to perfection. Here's my recipe (modified from the one on the Tenda-Bake box):

2 cups Tenda-Bake Yellow Cornmeal Mix
1 1/4 cups Almond milk
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 cup canned yellow corn
1 Tbsp raw honey (more depending on how sweet you like it)

Stir, slap it in a greased pan, and cook for 20-30 minutes at 400. Voila!

This, uh, looked a lot less fuzzy in person

Looks pretty normal, right? Well, it didn't just taste normal, it tasted awesome, and between the three of us we finished the whole pan. It's also much lower in calories and fat, since I substituted oil and eggs with unsweetened applesauce. 

And speaking of lower calories-I'm down FOURTEEN pounds of lard since this experiment started. Hey-o! While I can tell a noticeable difference in the way I look and feel, it's not nearly as dramatic as I thought 14 lbs would be. (I had only been planning on losing ten originally.) So far, one of the greatest benefits of this vegan diet is the complete inability to eat any junk food. Cookies, crackers, cake-I would have to make it myself if I wanted it. And since I'm way too lazy healthy to even think about that, I just don't make any of it. Problem solved. 

Check out my latest haul from the library:
Single-minded anyone? Anyone?

From the bottom:
1. Skinny Bitch Ultimate Everyday Cookbook
2. Clean Your Home Healthy
3. The Omnivore's Dilemma
4. Is God a Vegetarian?
5. Living Vegan for Dummies
6. Green Up Your Cleanup
7. Skinny Bitch in the Kitch

You can find any of these in the Haughty by Nature bookstore under "Cooking and Nutrition".

Happy Thursday everyone!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Discussion for a Former City Dweller

This email from my dear friend Julia showed up in my inbox the other day, and after laughing out loud 281 times I figured I should share it with all of you. Have you ever been in a situation like this?

So, I am walking in San Francisco during my lunch break this afternoon (beautiful day, by the way...the sun was so yummy and warm), and I decide that I would like to go to Peet's Coffee and Tea to get an iced drink.  I was 2nd in line, and as the person ahead of me moved forward to the counter, I notice that the woman leaving the counter with her hot tea (which everyone knows would melt your skin should it spill) is blind and has her walking stick and kind of awkwardly maneuvers her way through the ropes that make the queue...instead of simply going to the side and walking straight to the table that was empty and literally 7 feet away from her.  In making her way through what would seem like a nightmare if you were blind, she managed to trip up the woman behind me who was doing all sorts of acrobatics so that the woman didn't run into her.  This woman accidentally tripped over the ropes and bumped into me.  At this point, I am wondering, why is it that we are OK running into people...unless they are blind?  Because I also wasn't expecting a grown woman to fall into me, and I was witnessing the whole thing.  I thought, "Whoa, lady." 

So, I sit down and read for about 10 minutes.  When I've walked out the door of Peet's, I notice the blind woman is going the same way as me now!  She does a good job with her walking stick, and it wasn't very crowded on the huge sidewalk.  All the same, I kind of slow down when we cross the intersection to make sure she doesn't topple off the 6-inch curb (which I have done, and again, I am not BLIND).  She caught up with me at the next intersection again, only at this one, we're gonna cross a 6-lane street with a concrete median in the middle.  I sit there as the walk-light is about to go on and I start thinking, "Shit, what do I do?  Do I offer to help her across because this could go horribly wrong!" Instead, I decide to let her go on her independent way, and if she looks like she falls or anything, I will stay near so that I may help her.  I don't want to make her feel uber handicapped like she can't cross a fucking street by herself.  She lives in a damn city!  

To my surprise, as we both set off across the street, she walks straight into the lines of cars lined up waiting at the light!  What the Hell. I look like an ass. The worst is that instead of going over to help her, I am trying really hard not to chuckle because it is kind of funny. What is the etiquette of a blind person crossing the road?  Do you help, or do you not help?  Do you think we stare and avoid helping more because we know they can't see us?  In the end, I made sure she didn't die going across by staying at a safe distance, and realized that the whole movement of political correctness has made me incapable of knowing appropriate kindness.  


This is the EXACT kind of awkward situation that gives me fodder for this blog. So, dear reader, what would you have done?

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