Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Online Dating: Chapter 13,988

I certainly hope you all are still as amused by these Match.com messages as I am, because my dear college roommate Katie just sent me over two of her most recent love letters.

Hello!! My name is Joe and i am a funny, compassionate, loyal,
generous, passionate and kind lawyer who retired early. Your profile
piqued my interest as you strike me as intelligent and down to earth. I
am 5'11', very fit and have exceptional blue eyes. I recently moved from up north to south Florida and i don't miss the cold. The one thing that i enjoy the most is old fashioned romance. If you love to shop and travel and be treated like a lady drop me a line.

Hi, Joe. A few things:
1) How early are we talking in "retired early"? You seem pretty old. 
2) Generally, one doesn't describe their own blue eyes as "exceptional". But then again, I haven't been around as long as you. Maybe you do know better.
3) Your description of "old-fashioned romance" sounds a little like a trophy wife. I'd totally be down if you weren't such a dinosaur. 

Turns out, Katie also gets haikus like I did:

"hii, how r u?
can i ask u a question ?
what a guy should do to get to know a beautiful girl like u ? "

hiiiii i am gr8!
thx 4 the question. 
if u want 2 get 2 kno me, you should 
go learn 2 spell or write a full sentence. 

I mean, really? Poor Katie is busting her rear end in law school, and her choices are old geezers or illiterate men? What is the world coming to?

Maybe these guys should read Match.com's blog post about Dating in America.  Interesting article (especially about when to Facebook friend your date). Check it out and tell me what you think.  

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Happy Birthday (to ME!)

Things that you can do when you're 25:

1) Rent a car with no extra fee
2) Be even more awesome than you were at 24.

These don't sound like a lot, but quality over quantity, right?

The best party about birthdays? This:

And the day is just getting started...
So far, being 25 is making me more well-read and better dressed than I've been the last quarter century.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Don't Be Tardy for My (Birthday) Party

I'm not afraid to own it: I have a sick, creepy obsession with the Real Housewives of Orange County. Perhaps I'm blinded by the blonde hair or ginormous boobs, but mostly I'm jealous of their social life. Painfully jealous. Freed from mundane tasks like employment or hands-on child rearing, the Housewives' main job seems to be drinking pink cocktails while sitting on balconies overlooking the Pacific.

Hello? Dream life. (Minus the old, fat husbands and bratty children. But hey, isn't that what good prenups are for?)

Don't I fit right in?
In my attempts to be more like the OC Housewives, I decided to celebrate my upcoming 25th birthday by hosting a birthday brunch at my apartment. My reasoning went something like this:

1) If my friends don't have to pay to go to a restaurant and celebrate, they can spend more money on my gift
2) Bottomless mimosas
3)....those were pretty much the only reasons

My plan totally worked because my gifts kicked ass. (So do my friends.)

Amy's balloon kept trying to get frisky.
Smiling because they love me so much? Duh.

Feeding the vegan masses

My roomie faciliated a hilarious game of Ensley-centered Two Truths and a Lie. The goal was to beat me (the lady of the hour) in guessing which were the lies. Impossible, right? Nope. My friend Shannon tied with me, which is interesting. What have I been doing that I can't tell truth from lie? (Don't answer that.)

In the end, my party was laughter-filled and mimosa laden. With the exception of the latter, I guess that means it was nothing like Real Housewives. Turns out, that was just fine with me. 

The those OC girls can keep their cat fights and home foreclosures to themselves. (I wouldn't mind some of their bling though.) I'll take these girls over those pink Pacific cocktails anyday...

...wouldn't you?

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bridal Bootcamp: Why Lord, Why?

You may have read this post in which I mentioned an freakish desire to work out. Let's just say that won't be happening again anytime soon.

This? Is stupid. 

Luckily for my lazy ass me, my cable company offers Exercise TV On Demand, so it's not like I actually have to make an effort to work out. I perused through some of the thirty minute videos (what? I'm not looking to run a marathon here) but had done most of them within the last couple of weeks. (Either that, or they seemed to require a lot of effort on my part.) One of the few I hadn't done was called "Bridal Bootcamp" and promised me "full body strength moves with cardio interval bursts to crank up your metabolic meter". I wasn't quite sure what my metabolic meter was, but I decided it definitely needed a little cranking up. I figured that, as long as the trainer wasn't wearing a veil, it couldn't be too bad.


During every strength move this large breasted, tiny trainer attempted to motivate me by saying things like "Feel.the.burn. Strap.less.gown."

Right...that's not happening.

During our cardio portions, her boobs she would be bouncing up and down while panting "You're going to look GREAT at your wedding!".

Once again: a hypothetical wedding doesn't exactly make me want to do that extra set of jumping jacks. While I'm sure I will look great at my wedding, right now I'm more focused on just getting a second date with someone.

Like most of my poor life choices, I have no one to blame for this but myself. My question is, why aren't there any "Groom Bootcamp" videos? Based on my current dating experiences, there are plenty of men out there that could stand a few less Busch Lights and a few more jumping jacks. (Perhaps an English class as well.)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Just Another Day At the Office

This morning was one of those freakish times where I:
1) Woke up before my alarm
2) Had a desire to workout

Rarely does this happen at the same time, or (let's be honest) at all. Could be because it's a teacher workday today, so I'm willing to forgo an extra hour of sleep since today doesn't really count as work.

Why doesn't it feel like work? Two things: peace. And quiet. When I was little, I always wondered what teachers did on their workdays. While my teacher workday duties vary, here are somethings I will definitely not be doing:

Asking people to stop picking their nose
Asking people to stop licking their hands
Asking people to stop staring at me
Asking people to stop clomping down the hallways like the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk ("Fee, fi, fo, fum")
Asking people to stop putting Cheez-Its in their pockets
Asking people to stop eating Cheez-Its from said pockets
Asking people where the marshmallows came from that are also in their pockets
Breaking up fights at the snack table
Breaking up fights during the invented playground game of "Big sister, little sister" (it gets intense)
Telling people that are crying to take a deep breath and calm.it.down.
Asking people if they know where that awful smell is coming from
Asking someone if that smell is coming from their pants
Asking people to stop asking me questions (When's lunch? When's snack? What day is it? Did you know that I am having a Batman birthday party?)

Wow...now that I look at this list, what am I going to do all day? Oh right: work in my classroom, chat with coworkers, listen to Pandora, have an hour lunch, and feel like I actually accomplished something.

Happy Friday.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Last One Picked for the Team

Somehow, my two mortal enemies friends Amy and Keefer talked me into playing kickball on a co-ed team this season.

Pick me...please?
"It's kickball", they said. "You don't have to be coordinated, and we'll go to the bar afterwards. Plus, there will be hot guys."

No coordination necessary? Drinks? Good looking men?

Check, check, and check.

I still hesitated, because while I am good at many things, running, catching, and kicking are not among them. Ultimately, I agreed. Poor choice. Because, yes, there were hot guys, but before you go to the bar you actually have to play five innings of kickball. Five innings that totally consist of running, catching, and kicking.

My inner adolescent fat girl self still has major anxiety over contact sports. I was always the last one picked for the team (rightly so), and I've been smacked in the face with a wayward volleyball one too many times. I like yoga. And swimming. And walking.

What I don't like is being heckled by fat guys on the other team who seem to confuse kickball with the World Series. Dude? Chill out.

Our team captain warily put me out in right field (aka where nothing happens) which I was grateful for. I still spent each half an inning praying that no one would kick the ball my way, since then it would be my job to catch it. Or run after it, which would be even worse.

On the bright side, I made it up to bat twice, and even got on base once. It's practically a miracle. And the bar we went to afterwards? $1 Bud Light drafts. Now that's what I signed up for.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Online Dating: America's Finest

You guys may remember this gem of a message from my This is Why I'm Single post:


Hey there my name is J i have a bachelor of science in History from Lander University. Wanted to see if your looking for someone to hangout with or go on a date with? Would you like to chat? Just would like someone i can date that likes the same stuff i do. You seem very cool and like sports and to hang out but if you want to chat let me know im here JJ

PS Do you like horses, rodeos, horse races, wranglers jeans, jean skirts, sundresses, cowboy boots etc

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I got this Facebook message from my friend Gillian K. last night:

OH MY GOD! I was reading your post about Match.com..... that J guy from your first post of "This is why I'm single" WROTE ME THE EXACT SAME MESSAGE. There was a little added here and there, nothing of substance of course. But literally, whenever I tell anyone that I joined a few weeks ago, I always always always show them that message and tell them that in the very least, it very much provides entertainment.

Hope you're doing well! I just had to share.... Loved the PS part he includes.... and to think, I thought that message was crafted specifically for me. (kidding, obviously.)

So, naturally, I begged for her to let me post that in my blog. She kindly obliged, but then baited me with this:

Post away! I have another one that is RIDICULOUS, think romantic love letter turned novel, talking about how he "sees my soul in my smile" and how he knows that the guy that swoops me off of my feet (if not him, which naturally it will never be) will be the luckiest man in the world. Really? REALLY?

I had.to.see.this.message. So I did some more begging (all for your entertainment, gentle reader) and here it is. Read it, (if you have the time), enjoy it, love it, comment on it.

I might only have one shot at this so here we go.

I was born and raised in New England, before moving on down to Atlanta to finish up school. Now I reside in High Point. I work in sports radio, broadcasting all types of athletic games and regular sports talk.
When I am not working I absolutely enjoy traveling, reading, watching movies/television, and just being a typical twenty one year old guy.
I believe in a couple of things I believe in honesty and truth. There used to be a time when people actually spoke their mind, and said what they actually meant instead of being caught up in trying to say something that is not going to ruffle other people’s feelings or ideas. I know a lot of people say it, but I truly wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I am happy I will let you know, if I want to be left alone to have some time by myself then I will let you know as well.

My first true love is sports but a close second is history and travel. I have a secret passion to touch every single ocean and sea on the planet, and I am actually getting pretty close. Secondly, I adore history from the history of world war two to the civil war. At times both of those periods were the bravest and darkest moments in this nations history and I honestly believe that people need to understand the past to better comprehend and understand the future moving forward.

Now, your probably wondering why I have sent you this message. Even if you have read this far I would be happy knowing that. Yet, do not blame for wanting to at the very least take a shot in the dark. At our weakest points we are moved by true beauty, and the wonderment at something so intriguingly beautiful that the rest of our minds cannot resist taking a small chance that maybe we can chase down something that is truly bigger than we ourselves are. I look at you and wonder how can someone like you need a site like this, and why has the rest of the world caught on to what I see in those eyes and that smile in about a second and a half. I do look at those eyes and I see true passion that is longing for its true recognition in its counterpart in another. I look at your smile and I see innocence of love that is looking for someone who can make it beam in a permanent fashion that it just longs to do.

If I hear back from you I would absolutely love to hear from you and maybe try and talk to you. If not and at the very least have this far the only thing I can do is humbly thank you for the time you have taken to read this. Please understand how much I appreciate it, and even if I never do hear from you I do wish you incredible amount of happiness and success in trying to found that special someone. Either way whenever that times does come I now I speak for the rest of the world when I say that the guy who does scoop you up and carry you off your feet better realize how he is the luckiest man on the entire face of the planet, and that the rest of the world can be forever jealous of that guy who gets you.
Thanks for reading,

All I have to say is...reading that took away an hour of my life that I will never get back, but it was worth every minute. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Bachelor Finale: Buzzkill Central

Ok, I'm confused.

Last night's finale episode was one of the sweetest ever, especially once it became clear that Brad was going to pick Emily. Not only is she the hottest woman I've ever seen, but she's from Charlotte. Holla! Plus, I love that a single mom was FINALLY chosen. (Though I'm not really sure why any mom would go on the show in the first place, since they get to see their child an average of one time during filming. But I digress.)

I also have to say, this was the only finale where I genuinely liked both women. As gorgeous as Emily is, Chantal is equally beautiful, and bubbly and charming to boot.

I usually tear up a little during the proposals, (mostly because of the size of the engagement ring), but I cried like a baby when they just stood there, cheeks pressed together, whispering I love you back and forth. This was for real! This was it!

And now, apparently, this is on the outs!

I mean, how much of a buzzkill was After the Final Rose? I'm pretty sure Jake and Vienna looked happier together, even when she was constantly undermining him. On one hand, perhaps Emily and Brad were just being honest, giving us a taste of what this process is really like vs. the fairytale ABC is pushing them to present.

Unfortunately, I don't watch The Bachelor for a dose of honesty or reality. I want a big, fantastic, cream-puff fairytale that ends in a million-dollar wedding for all of America to sit and drool over. Hearing that Brad "has a temper" (translation: "is a huge douchelord") does not help me one single bit. Plus, with Emily's personality being what it is, what in the world is Brad having temper tantrums over? How agreeable and sweet she is all the time? How kind she is? How she only has nice things to say about everyone?

Who can fault Emily for not wanting to jump into marriage with a grown man that throws temper tantrums? Also, why did they seem so uncomfortable when Chris Harrison asked if they were still engaged?

So what do you think? Were they just being honest or are they headed for Splitsville? Any other favorite moments from last night?

Friday, March 11, 2011

A Little Gratitude

This was a very sad image to wake up to this morning:

Tsunami aftermath in Japan
It's hard to think that all of this happened while I was sleeping soundly and probably dreaming about what I was having for lunch. (What? I like to eat.)

People living in Northeast Japan are probably worried about whether they'll ever see the people they love again. I desperately hope that the death count stays in the double digits, and that people in Hawaii and on the coast in the Pacific Northwest (like my brother) stay far away from danger.

I always feel so helpless when disasters like this happen. Helpless, and like I have the least stressful, cushiest life ever, and do nothing to share my abundance with others.

In light of what is going on in Japan, what are you grateful for this morning? I'm certainly grateful that my family is healthy and happy, that I have a safe place to sleep every night and more food than I can eat. I'm also grateful that the most stressful thing I dream about is what I'm having for lunch. Is there anything you do after disaster strikes that makes you feel like you are helping out?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

See: Karmic Retribution

My blogs about the magic of Match.com have sparked some memories in those that are nearest and dearest to me...check out the FB messages exchange between me and one of my middle school comrades, Sara:

Sara: So, after reading your recent blogs, I remembered an email I got about 11 years ago. It was too good to delete:

hey gurl!! whats up?!?!?!?!? my name is willie johnson and im from alabama. i have this friend named nittin in pensacola who told me about you. he said you were such a major babe and i wanna hook up. do u think you wanna be my online gurlfriend. well lemme tell you a little bit about my self so u can decide. my favorite color is purple and i have 12 brothers and 2 sisters. im 14 years old and my favorite tv show is saved by the bell (the new class). what kinda music do u listen to?? i really like the jackson 5. they are sooo awesome. well i guess yo should write me back and tell me about your self.. thanx for your time. really consider being my gurl. im totally cool and sexy.. bye. ~ willie johnson 

Me: I can't decide if my favorite part is asking you to be his online girlfriend, or that his favorite show is saved by the bell (the new class). Seriously, I'm crying though.

Sara: You seriously have no recollection of this?! You wrote this and sent it to me in 7th grade! I was like, "guys I got the weirdest email today!" and you started laughing and fessed up. The email address was williejojillie@hotmail.com.

Womp, womp. So, basically, all of these Match.com hijinks are merely karmic payback for what  I did to my dear friend Sara. (She still asked me to be in her wedding, but it wasn't to Willie.) You have to admit, the middle school me really knew how to write like a backwoods redneck. 

Sadly, I just might accept a date with Mr. Willie Jo Johnson at this point. I could handle a few marathons of Saved by the Bell (The New Class), right? Right?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

This is Why I'm Single Round 3

I swear I'll stop after this one...here's a few more messages from the gems pursuing me on Match. Who's your favorite? If you offer me a high enough amount, I might be willing to go out with one of them (for the sake of the blog, of course).

From JoeK210:
I don't like feeling like I'm playing 20 questions, but I don't know how else to start a conversation on email. That being said ...

Tell me what you think your best personality trait is and why? (I can only pick one?)

What do you look forward to most in your everyday life and why? (Blogging about messages like this. Because I get immense pressure from mocking others.)

Family is very important to me. Tell me a little bit about yours and who you are closest too and why? (My parents live on a boat, my brother lives in Oregon, and telling you any more than that would take hours that I'm not really willing to dedicate to this.)

Based on your profile/pics, it looks like your friends are very important to you. What do you enjoy doing most? What types of places to do you go out to with your friends? (Um, considering all of my photos are solo shots, and I don't mention friends ANYWHERE in my profile, this is a dead giveaway that you sent me a copy and pasted email. For all you know, I don't have any friends. You might be able to relate?)

Ok ... i could see those questions taking a hot min to answer so ill cut off this round of 20 questions there, lol. I look forward to hearing back from you and starting to get to know you.

Rigggggghhht. Answering these questions did take a "hot min", but I certainly did not respond to this. Chill dude...this is why I didn't join eharmony. That, and a grown man using "lol" in a sentence could possibly be my #1 turnoff.

From AaronM:
Cute smile ..write back if interested.

Oh, is that how this email thing works? Thanks for the help! Also, I love the genuine effort you put forth into winning me over.

This was from Soldier4GodPh4:13
Hi. Your job sounds a lot like mine. Although the people I work with act like they're five rather than being 5. What is the Teach for America's 2011 Corps? I haven't heard anything about that.

Hmm...do you live under a rock? I'm pretty sure we have nothing in common, and calling your co-workers 5 year olds is generally considered rude when they aren't actually 5.

I don't remember this guy's username, just that he was 45:
how are you hope you had a good weekend. and yes a listen to npr news every morning on my way to work and home. i like your profile you seem like a very nice and fun person to get to know better. you are a very pretty women with a great smile. i luv listen to live music outdoors and festival bonnarro.

45 year olds luv 2 go 2 Bonnarro?

Feel free to make fun/help my morale. Who's your favorite?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This is Why I'm Single Part Deux

Oh yes...even more magical messages from my beloved dating site. Which one is the best? You tell me!

 In your profile you said you liked the Swimming. I just bought a house in Matthews mainly for the pool. I always have loved the water. (Yes, I did say that I like "the Swimming", but just because I don't like any contact sports. I do not want to see you in your bathing suit.) You also said you liked Hiking. I love hiking; do you have a favorite camping\backpacking memory? For me it’s always the food something about hiking for hours and setting up camp makes all food taste magical. (My idea of camping is staying at a Holiday Inn vs, so I don't really have a favorite "camping/backpacking" memory unless you include my cousin's wedding in Greenville. Saying I like hiking does not mean I enjoy spending extended periods of time in the wilderness eating your magical food.) Well that and the stars, when I was little I really wanted to be an astronomer. There are horribly embarrassing pictures of very young me with my first telescope.
Also I love Puns … a lot… it might be an unhealthy pastime…(What does this even mean? Plus, you didn't use a single pun in this entire message.)
I hope to heard from you soon

From SouthernBoy:

Hey, the last person I know that read the Omnivore's Dilemma became a vegetarian. Just a head's up, we'd hate to lose you from the team. 

What team is that, SouthernBoy? The Animal Cruelty is Fun Team? The Uninformed Consumer Team? 

This made me too fired up and I had to respond. Like a good Haughty lass, I held my tongue and let his stupidity do the work for me. I said:

Well, since I'm a vegan, what "team" are you referring to? Aka, how does your foot taste?

His response:
Ummm...team failed joke? I admire vegans. I imagine it would be a hard lifestyle to maintain, but obviously a very healthy one. 

Nice attempt at a save, dude, but your high BMI and manicured facial hair means that your stab at my value system no longer qualifies as witty banter.  

From Brad:
how are u?
I would like to talk to u and get to know u better
let me know if u are intrested

Dear Brad,
Are u
haikus 2 ppl
on purpose?

Seriously, what's with the prose? And no I'm not "intrested". 

Hello, nice to meet you. How are you ?

Riggggghhhht. You do realize we haven't "met", right? This is the I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T. Also, you are old and fat. 

Sigh. This is what I paid $34.99 for?

Monday, March 7, 2011

This is Why I'm Single

I bit the bullet recently and joined Match.com. I figured online dating was necessary to support my new lifestyle of never leaving the house, and so far, so good.

I thought I did a pretty good job of being honest and straightforward in my profile. My byline is "NPR not the NRA" in an attempt to weed out any good ol' southern farm boys who want to take me hunting or teach me how to skin a rabbit. 

This is my profile pic. Ka-ching!
In my "About Me", I wrote:
                          I get paid to hang out with 5 year olds everyday, which is a pretty awesome job. 
                          I just got accepted to Teach for America's 2011 Corps in Eastern North Carolina, which is           

                          I'm over the 2am bar scene, and would much prefer having a beer on a patio 
                          with some live music in the background. 

                          If you like to be outside, can make me laugh, read for pleasure, and listen to NPR, 
                         I'm pretty sure we'll get along. 

Simple, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong. Below are some very real messages I've received. Please feel free to mock, openly and freely. 

Hey there my name is J i have a bachelor of science in History from Lander University. Wanted to see if your looking for someone to hangout with or go on a date with? (Funny...that is something I was looking for when signing up for a dating service) Would you like to chat? Just would like someone i can date that likes the same stuff i do....(like not capitalizing pronouns?) You seem very cool (true) and like sports (just the one) and to hang out but if you want to chat let me know im here JJ

PS Do you like horses, rodeos, horse races, wranglers jeans, jean skirts, sundresses, cowboy boots etc

Oh yeah. That. Just. Happened. 


I like your a tall woman, that appears to know what she likes and needs.
I would like to talk and meet up for that beer on the back patio listening to music! You up for it?


Uh, Ernie? I'm 5'8. It's not like I'm on a women's volleyball team or something. Also, you are 38, bald, and extremely overweight. Ta-ta!

Hi i'm Joe*. Just seen your profile and seemed like we had a few things in common so thought I'd send ya an email.

Right. Besides the fact that we are both white, I'm not sure what you had "seen" that makes you think "we had a few things in common". 

This little gem just arrived this morning from KR498*. He's also 38!

I decided to get on match towards the end of my last relationship, while watching t.v. one night mad at the state of the union, i said to myself when she is gone, I am going to give that a shot..I think it is the way of the future unfortunatly. What ever happened to getting drunk and marrying a one night stand like everyone else does? I have learned alot about myself during this process and remain open minded. I have dated all types, including ones I thought I would eventually be attracted to due to a super personality or sense of humor. Fact is you dont sleep with those attributes, that was a joke, remember a bit sarcastic here...I am looking for love and all that comes with that.. 

I travel a couple of weeks a month.. Home on weekends and enjoy spending time in the strip clubs to all hours, (joking) I only stay at the strip clubs till dinner is on the table.... 

So, I hope I did not scare you, and I would love to have dinner with you to see if we are going to pursue this further.. 

What do you say?

I say hell no, that's what I say. Are you surprised that KR498 also has plenty of shirtless pics on his profile (taken by himself in the bathroom mirror, naturally). Didn't think so. 

*Names and locations have been changed to protect the stupid. Except Ernie, that name was too good to change. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Tequlia Sold Separately

Embarrassing confession: I bought a food processor that sounds like a sex toy.

And no, it's not because all of those 2am infomercials won me over. Hell, at 2am I've been asleep for nearly 5 hours. It's because the Magic Bullet has some excellent marketing, namely:

1) it was one of only two food processor choices at the store
2) it was the only one that mentioned making margaritas right on the box

Decision made.

I can taste the sweet tequila already. 

But seriously: Best Buy (where I had a gift card) only had the Magic Bullet and this scary Wolfgang Puck "immersion blender" that frightened me a little bit. (I mean really, what is that long metal pole for? Mass murder?) Three of the the 320948398 attachments on the Wolfgang blender said they were meant to "whip egg whites into a meringue", and since I don't eat eggs, I figured my money was better spent elsewhere. Like on blending hard liquor with some ice.
I can't even identify 80% of these objects.
I then got chatted up by a girl in the checkout line who felt it the right time to confess that  she would get "Soooooo wasted" if she had a Bullet, which cause me to wonder if she was already headed in that direction. I told her she could just make some hummus or guacamole in the Bullet and sober right up! Coincidentally, I brought the sex toy Magic Bullet home, washed it out, and immediately made some hummus. (I would have made a margarita, but figured they would discourage me from snacking on those at work.) The verdict? Freaking. Awesome.

Here's the recipe...give it a try.

Ensley's Magic Bullet Cucumber Hummus (sounds a little scandalous, right?)

1 16 oz can garbanzo beans
2 Tbsp Tahini sauce
2 Tbsp lemon juice
3 cloves of garlic
1/4 cup veggie broth
3/4 cup chopped cucumbers

Put it all in the Magic Bullet tall cup, pulse it (oh yeah!), done. 

I would have taken a picture but...I may have eaten most of it already. With a spoon. Directly out of the Magic Bullet. How's that for sexy?

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