Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A Drive-by Listen...50 Shades of Grey

Ok, I'll admit it: I'm a follower. 

Never the first one to jump on the bandwagon for anything, I wait until 99% of America has read/watched/worn something before I go along with it. (Examples: Facebook. Mad Men. Skinny jeans.) 

To hasten my downward spiral into Loserville: Fifty Shades of Grey. 

As someone who rolled her eyes throughout the first two Twilight books and then gave up on reading the series altogether, my lame-o follower tendencies don't usually pertain in the book department. While I need people to help me navigate clothing trends, reading is pretty much the only thing I've been naturally good at since the age of 5. I'm Olympic level, really. 

But seriously. I just had to know what all the fuss was about. 
Since I have a 30 minute, rural-highway commute to work, I made the super unwise choice to download it on audio book.

Huge mistake, y'all. Huge.

First of all, whoever they had read this book realllly likes to annunciate the last consonant of every single word. Plus, I get that the character is really Bella from Twilight, and I despise Bella from Twilight. This whole "I'm completely awkward and nerdy and all the boys are miraculously in love with me" thing is getting old. I've been awkward and nerdy for the past 26 years, and no sexy vampires or bajillionare CEOs are knocking down my door.

Just saying.

And, while some of this story might be sexy, it's a whole other ball game when you are listening to someone read it. (The word "gross" comes to mind.)

But that obviously didn't stop me, since on a recent trip from Charlotte to Edenton I m-a-y have been listening to it when I got pulled over for a speeding ticket. A "going 60 in a 45 zone" speeding ticket.

If I could have spoken through my tears, here's what I would have said:

My bad, officer. See, I was, uh, a teensy bit distracted. See there's this thing called a "Red Room of Pain" that Anna was going into. It's not really painful, per se, if you're into that sort of thing. Not that I'm asking if you're into that sort of thing. Anyways, they just went in there and he's making her say "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" to him like he's, well, a police officer or something. And not only is she a really annoying character, but I find this whole submissive thing very strange. I mean, what about women's lib and all that? Is this what we've been reduced to? Saying "Yes, sir" and getting smacked with riding crops? What would Susan B. Anthony say? And how the heck are they going to make this into a movie without it being rated X? I really don't get it. Anyways, needless to say I COMPLETELY missed that 45 mph sign back there, but I promise not to do it again. (Smiles.) Did I mention I'm a Special Education teacher? 

E.L. James? You owe me $218.00.

And my dignity.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Follow Your Arrow

There's a few obvious differences between a twenty-first birthday party and a twenty-seventh birthday party, namely:

#1: At your twenty-seventh birthday, guests are gone by midnight, at which point you've also wiped down the counters and taken out the recycling. (Note: you are completely ok with this.)

#2: There's neither a keg or shot glass in sight, but your own parents might ask where the beer pong table is located. (Answer: not here.)

Me, the 'rents, and a very clever balloon #wheresthebeerpong
#3: Not only do the cops not show up, but you don't give them a reason to. 

Obviously I have a few things to improve upon in the party-planning department in the next 363 days.  

On the other hand, after two years of living out in the sticks, I had a lot more leverage when asking (more like begging) my friends to drive up from Charlotte and Charleston to come and celebrate with me.

By "leverage", I mean I may have said something similar to this:

I mean, I'm turning 27 and I live an hour and a half away from a Target and you guys are all married or have boyfriends and I'm probably going to die alone because all the guys out here wear camo as their everyday clothing and I have to look at people with feathered bangs on a daily basis and...

You get the picture. It was embarrassing. 

But it worked. 

Devil eyes courtesy of iPhone flash #yourewelcome

Even Royar from My Life As a Young Southern Prep made an appearance...(it helps that she's my cousin)...

In fact, with all of the out of town guests and local friends that showed up to the Castle de Haughty on Saturday night, I'd say we had nearly 1/4 of Edenton's population concentrated in one place. (Not joking.)

My beautiful friend Louann threw me an amazing post-birthday brunch Sunday morning, which pretty much made me feel like a celeb and cemented her as Edenton's premier party planner. 

The fact that 99% of my presents were either monogrammed or Lilly (sometimes both) only continues to prove my point that 27 equals #winning.  

If you can't get married, throw a 27th birthday party. But really.
And speaking of #winning, I'll send you off with my new obsession/theme song, courtesy of Kasey Musgraves: 

Follow your arrow, wherever it points.


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