Thursday, August 2, 2012

Sorry for Partying

I guess most of us don't escape adolescence without a little tarnish on our  precious halos.

For some, it's those teased bangs that you insisted were still in long after everyone else was buying flat irons. Or putting off breaking up with your boyfriend because you really needed a date for Semi-formal.

Mine just happens to be an teensy-weensy, insignificant run-in with the law.

Believe it, y'all. 

It's not like I'm not some hardened criminal, but I did happen to take a sip of a cranberry and vodka while underage....and right in front of an undercover officer. Apparently a "My bad, yo!" when they confronted me wasn't sufficient.

Plus I'm a scaredy-cat and 'fessed up quick. That didn't seem to help, either.

(How embarrassing was it that I was drinking cranberry and vodka? I might as well have just tattooed UNDERAGE on my forehead. Lame.)

Anyways, ever since that fateful night seven years ago, I have to check "yes" on any job or school application that asks me whether or not I've ever been charged with a misdemeanor. Then not only do I have to cough up cash for a background check, but also submit a "written explanation" of the incident to whatever institution is reviewing my application.

It usually goes something like this:
"On the night of October 5, 2005, I took a sip of a friend's alcoholic drink while at a Homecoming event. I was promptly escorted outside by an undercover officer, where I was arrested and charged with underage drinking. I pleaded no contest, completed 8.5 hours of community service, and the charges were dropped."

How much of a loser do I sound like?

Here's what it should actually say:
"Well, Dear Reader, I was pretty devastated because I was on social probation from my sorority after getting caught taking tequila shots in the house. (Note to self: Shouting "TEQUILA MAKES MY CLOTHES FALL OFF!" at 9pm on a Wednesday is an easy way to attract attention to yourself. Learned that lesson the hard way!) Since I was banned from all sorority Homecoming events, I decided to hit up a fraternity function at a local bar. I happened to take a sip of a friend's cranberry and vodka when she turned her back, at which point two good looking young gentleman came and tapped me on the shoulder. I started batting my eyelashes, but realized something was amiss when they led myself and two friends out to the sidewalk, at which point they started reading me my rights, Miranda-style. It was straight out of a Law & Order episode, let me tell you! Since we were obviously dangerous criminals, they decided to handcuff us to each other, the reasoning for which is still unclear to me all these years later. I'm pretty sure three sobbing 19 year olds aren't going to try and make a run for it. 

Since I knew my parents would make pigs fly before they paid the $125 fine for me, I opted (with my bestie) to do the 8.5 hours of community service option instead. We rolled up to the downtown courthouse circa 7am, where they loaded us into a van with some very intimidating looking men. We went to a middle school where we spent the day sweeping under bleachers, playing HORSE in the gym, and discovering that pretty much everyone else was there due to serious drug charges. We tried to make up a lie about getting in a bar fight to make us sound tough, but no one believed us and called us nicknames like Vanilla and Sprinkles. Rude.

Anyways, this was all an incredible learning experience. Since that life-altering day, I reevaluated my life choices and devoted myself to religious devotion and simplicity. (Well, not really, but I do go to church and I just gave away a bunch of clothes to Goodwill.) But seriously: my "cop-dar" has become much better and I haven't gotten caught for a single thing, minus those few speeding tickets I got while listening to the audiobook of 50 Shades of Grey. 

I hope you'll still accept my application to (company/university). Can't fault a girl for liking to have a good time, right?

Sincerely yours, 

The second one is waaaaay better. Plus honesty IS the best policy, right? (Right?!?!)

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