Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This is Why I'm Single Part Deux

Oh yes...even more magical messages from my beloved dating site. Which one is the best? You tell me!

 In your profile you said you liked the Swimming. I just bought a house in Matthews mainly for the pool. I always have loved the water. (Yes, I did say that I like "the Swimming", but just because I don't like any contact sports. I do not want to see you in your bathing suit.) You also said you liked Hiking. I love hiking; do you have a favorite camping\backpacking memory? For me it’s always the food something about hiking for hours and setting up camp makes all food taste magical. (My idea of camping is staying at a Holiday Inn vs, so I don't really have a favorite "camping/backpacking" memory unless you include my cousin's wedding in Greenville. Saying I like hiking does not mean I enjoy spending extended periods of time in the wilderness eating your magical food.) Well that and the stars, when I was little I really wanted to be an astronomer. There are horribly embarrassing pictures of very young me with my first telescope.
Also I love Puns … a lot… it might be an unhealthy pastime…(What does this even mean? Plus, you didn't use a single pun in this entire message.)
I hope to heard from you soon

From SouthernBoy:

Hey, the last person I know that read the Omnivore's Dilemma became a vegetarian. Just a head's up, we'd hate to lose you from the team. 

What team is that, SouthernBoy? The Animal Cruelty is Fun Team? The Uninformed Consumer Team? 

This made me too fired up and I had to respond. Like a good Haughty lass, I held my tongue and let his stupidity do the work for me. I said:

Well, since I'm a vegan, what "team" are you referring to? Aka, how does your foot taste?

His response:
Ummm...team failed joke? I admire vegans. I imagine it would be a hard lifestyle to maintain, but obviously a very healthy one. 

Nice attempt at a save, dude, but your high BMI and manicured facial hair means that your stab at my value system no longer qualifies as witty banter.  

From Brad:
how are u?
I would like to talk to u and get to know u better
let me know if u are intrested

Dear Brad,
Are u
haikus 2 ppl
on purpose?

Seriously, what's with the prose? And no I'm not "intrested". 

Hello, nice to meet you. How are you ?

Riggggghhhht. You do realize we haven't "met", right? This is the I-N-T-E-R-N-E-T. Also, you are old and fat. 

Sigh. This is what I paid $34.99 for?


Seashells and Southern Belles said...

I am dying outloud laughing at work reading these... wow... you could write a book about these. Horrible...

Anonymous said...

Your Haiku response is awesome!
Seriously - if someone writes to me in txt frm, I can say for certain there will never b a d8.

Adrienne Shubin said...

I am starting to feel sorry for some of these guys. A couple seem to really try hard! But you can't date someone you feel sorry for, can you?
Brad, the one who sent you the text speak message is super annoying. I don't feel one bit sorry for him. He can't even take the time to write "you" instead of 'u'? Come on, Brad! Don't be stingy with the letters.

And fojoy's comment is so hilarious.

Alyssa @ Life of bLyss said...

is it terrible that I think your $34.99 is worth every penny for how awesome your blog-tastic reviews are? ;)

Unknown said...

$34.99 for pure entertainment-totally worth it!

You do have to kiss a lot of toads to find your prince, trust me I've been there. At least you have the help of the internet to help weed out the unwanted amphibians.

Haughty by Nature said...

Thanks again everyone! It makes me feel better to have you share in my pain.

@ Jana I strive to provide workday entertainment!

@ Adrienne, I know, some of them put forth a genuine effort...I just wish they would put forth LESS effort into manicuring their facial hair.

@fojoy True that.

@ Alyssa you are right...$34 is a small price to pay for constant amusement.

@ Sarah Beth...awesome point. I had never thought of it that way. However, I haven't even gotten to the kissing of the toads...which is the scary thing.

Ashley said...

Keep these coming.. HILARIOUS!

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