Monday, March 7, 2011

This is Why I'm Single

I bit the bullet recently and joined Match.com. I figured online dating was necessary to support my new lifestyle of never leaving the house, and so far, so good.


I thought I did a pretty good job of being honest and straightforward in my profile. My byline is "NPR not the NRA" in an attempt to weed out any good ol' southern farm boys who want to take me hunting or teach me how to skin a rabbit. 


This is my profile pic. Ka-ching!
In my "About Me", I wrote:
                          I get paid to hang out with 5 year olds everyday, which is a pretty awesome job. 
                          I just got accepted to Teach for America's 2011 Corps in Eastern North Carolina, which is           
                          exciting. 

                          I'm over the 2am bar scene, and would much prefer having a beer on a patio 
                          with some live music in the background. 

                          If you like to be outside, can make me laugh, read for pleasure, and listen to NPR, 
                         I'm pretty sure we'll get along. 


Simple, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong. Below are some very real messages I've received. Please feel free to mock, openly and freely. 

ugaboy25*
Hey there my name is J i have a bachelor of science in History from Lander University. Wanted to see if your looking for someone to hangout with or go on a date with? (Funny...that is something I was looking for when signing up for a dating service) Would you like to chat? Just would like someone i can date that likes the same stuff i do....(like not capitalizing pronouns?) You seem very cool (true) and like sports (just the one) and to hang out but if you want to chat let me know im here JJ

PS Do you like horses, rodeos, horse races, wranglers jeans, jean skirts, sundresses, cowboy boots etc

Oh yeah. That. Just. Happened. 


EnsleyG,

I like your a tall woman, that appears to know what she likes and needs.
I would like to talk and meet up for that beer on the back patio listening to music! You up for it?

Ernie


Uh, Ernie? I'm 5'8. It's not like I'm on a women's volleyball team or something. Also, you are 38, bald, and extremely overweight. Ta-ta!


Hi i'm Joe*. Just seen your profile and seemed like we had a few things in common so thought I'd send ya an email.


Right. Besides the fact that we are both white, I'm not sure what you had "seen" that makes you think "we had a few things in common". 


This little gem just arrived this morning from KR498*. He's also 38!


I decided to get on match towards the end of my last relationship, while watching t.v. one night mad at the state of the union, i said to myself when she is gone, I am going to give that a shot..I think it is the way of the future unfortunatly. What ever happened to getting drunk and marrying a one night stand like everyone else does? I have learned alot about myself during this process and remain open minded. I have dated all types, including ones I thought I would eventually be attracted to due to a super personality or sense of humor. Fact is you dont sleep with those attributes, that was a joke, remember a bit sarcastic here...I am looking for love and all that comes with that.. 


I travel a couple of weeks a month.. Home on weekends and enjoy spending time in the strip clubs to all hours, (joking) I only stay at the strip clubs till dinner is on the table.... 

So, I hope I did not scare you, and I would love to have dinner with you to see if we are going to pursue this further.. 


What do you say?



I say hell no, that's what I say. Are you surprised that KR498 also has plenty of shirtless pics on his profile (taken by himself in the bathroom mirror, naturally). Didn't think so. 

*Names and locations have been changed to protect the stupid. Except Ernie, that name was too good to change. 

23 comments:

Suzy Q said...

All I can say is WOW...

MaggieO said...

You can always apply to be on the Bachelor! (haha, kidding, kind of!) You'd be a fan fave for sure!

Adrienne said...

I'm in tears here laughing at this post. So hilarious. What a bunch of creepy morons, especially the last one.

I really do think you should try the bachelor. You are so pretty and witty - I bet you'd get picked.

Jana said...

wow, thanks for sharing.. I think. haha My skin is crawling for you. Can we say creeepersss??? and if you are living in Greenville, NC (I live in Raleigh) I imagine you have gotten invited to go hunting a few times ;-) I love the hunting type myself, but I certainly don't want to partake.

zippitydodaaa said...

Haha! I did Match off and on for a couple of years. I had a pretty good experience with it and always got a kick out of some of the emails I would receive. I'm actually dating someone who I met on Match a year and a half ago. I'm definitely glad I never gave up on it. Good luck!

Kendra said...

*facepalm

Side note: The captcha verification word I got in order to post this was 'douche'. Ah sweet irony.

fojoy said...

I met my husband through online dating, but I met a lot of weirdos first. And immediately deleted more messages than I care to remember!

Alyssa @ Life of bLyss said...

HAHAHAHA. Ensley, I love you.

And, ya know, if you put on a denim miniskirt and some cowboy boots and could stand to hit a few rodeos, so would UGA boy, apparently. Lucky yoooou!

Good move noting the NPR thing on your profile. I, too, am a northern girl trying to navigate the dating scene in the South. Half the time, all I have to say is.... "Seriously?"

That, and... "did he really just say DURN?"

Here's to some hopeful success in the future. I think you did a good job on your profile. :)

Anonymous said...

"in an attempt to weed out any good ol' southern farm boys who want to take me hunting or teach me how to skin a rabbit." Bahahaha I love it.

-Tracy N

hang in there champ.

Haughty by Nature said...

Thanks EVERYONE for your comments! Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I could write an entire blog JUST about these messages...I may have to scatter them into other posts, because they are just too good to lay unread in my inbox.

Haughty by Nature said...

@zippitydodaa that is so encouraging!

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Adrienne Quit buttering me up! (Ok, don't quit. I love it.)

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Alyssa...girl, it's not easy! I'm Southern and it's hard for me to navigate the waters of Southern dating. While the men down here are incredibly attractive (minus the ones that message me on Match), they also tend to be very cookie cutter.

Hines-Sight said...

I did Match, too when I was 29. I met this really nice guy and we had fun. He was a lot older than me, but it was a nice experience. We did not live in the same town, and really....the age difference was too much--almost twenty years, but he was a young looking 48. I laugh now because I'm only 6 years away from that number now. I'm sure you'll get some more material.

Jennifer Garza said...

You saved the best for last. That Ernie sounds like a gem, lol!

Ms. C said...

OMG I'm dying!! This is amazing! Can't wait for more, my roommate is doing plenty of fish and has some interesting stories too!! Hope Match works :)

Sarah Beth - Dixie Gator Gal said...

Thank you for making me laugh sooo hard tonight, please keep us apprised of more matchisms!

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Hines-Sight Leigh, are you telling me you had a SUGAR DADDY?

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Ms. C Plenty of Fish is an experience unto itself...my messages there were even worse! Please do a post and share!

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Ms. C Plenty of Fish is an experience unto itself...my messages there were even worse! Please do a post and share!

Hines-Sight said...

Maybe, he took me to nice restaurants which was better than the men where I was living at the time....they only took me to chains. I guess my point is that sometimes, there are people like you on there....it's just more difficult to find.

Christina said...

why does everyone have such horrible grammar?!

Sharon Jun said...

I just started reading your blog and saw this post. I pretty much got scared off of online dating because of this very reason. Too many weirdos. I had 2 stalkers, a guy that was drunk and I honestly thought was going to kill me, and a lot of other bad dates.

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