The Real World: Ocean Isle Beach

Love these girls

I spent my glorious 3 day weekend in Ocean Isle Beach, NC this weekend with two of my favorite ladies. Lindsay has a house down there, and her mom was kind enough to vacate so that we could have it all to ourselves. Can you say "late night dance party"? Because I can.

Some of Lindsay's OIB friends were down there with some of their friends, which made for a huge, awesome group of people. While recovering in Lindsay's living room on Saturday morning, we decided that between the boys' raunchy mouths and the girls' sweet dance moves, we could totally get high ratings as the case of The Real World: Ocean Isle Beach.

The cast of Real World: Ocean Isle Beach. You would watch, right?

In Ocean Isle, some of the cabs are limos. Perfect for filming reality shows.

Unclear, on so many levels. 

I mean, I would watch just to find out what the heck that lady was doing with that blow up doll. Disturbing.

Cast dinner

The boys even almost got in a fight on Saturday night with an anarchist who called them unpatriotic. Hello, high ratings! Don't worry, he drove away in his spray-painted, camouflage Jeep Wrangler before things escalated.

That just happened.

The cast at Second Street

Awkward family photos?

Overall, I had the best time ever. It was the opposite of a girl's weekend (and you know how I feel about those) and instead was full of raunchy boy humor, too many brewskis, and a few sunburns. It. Was. Awesome.

My body is glad that I'm home, since it needs 8 hours of sleep and more exercise than walking back and forth to the cooler. Sigh.

Would you watch Real World: OIB?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

Thanks to a crazy schedule the past month or so, I haven't been logging on to my Match profile, uh, ever. (Plus, I'm about to move, but more about that later.) Luckily, gems like this continue to find me. 

hi my name is Ryan and I'm 22yrs old. I often get 26 or so because of my matured level. I work full time for the city of charlotte as a professional firefighter and I also have my associates degree from back home in NY. I am very easy going and I like to keep things fun and entertaining. I was looking at your profile and thought that you were really cute, and that you had a lot of nice things to say. You seem to have a smart head on your shoulders with a pretty laid back feel. Hopefully I can talk to ya soon and chat with ya!

Where have you and your "matured level" been all my life? I'll assumed that your Associates Degree wasn't in English, because I notice you capitalize your own name and the pronoun "I", but nothing else. 

My "smart head" has a "pretty laid back feel"? This is the best compliment ever!

Seriously....I think I've found the One, you guys!

I Think We Should See Other People...Tomorrow

One of my friends recently responded to my call for Haughty readers' dating disaster stories with this little gem:

I had been dating this guy for a couple of months. (Let’s called him B.) As he had introduced me to his friends multiple times, I figured my friend’s birthday celebration was the perfect time to introduce him to my friends. When we got to the bar, I started drinking my favorite frenemy, tequila, and drank a bit more than I should have. I ran into a couple of my guy friends from school, and while I thought I was talking to them for ten minutes, it turned out to be more like thirty. 


I did the proper mea culpa, and we were eventually the annoying people kissing on the dance floor that I normally point and laugh at.

When B decided it was time to go, I realized I needed to close out my tab. While I was waiting to get the bartender’s attention, B got a phone call and stepped outside. No big deal. I closed out my tab and headed outside, where he was still on the phone. No big deal. We walked to his car, and he was still on his phone. No big deal. But then we got into the car . . . with bluetooth activated speakers. Imagine my surprise when the high-pitched voice of a female came through the speakers, and I learned that B was planning to spend next weekend with this girl for a beach getaway. Wonk wonk wonk.

Now, when I drink too much, I get overly rational, because I know that my brain cannot comprehend what is going on in that state. So in light of the fact there could be one possible reason for what I was hearing other than he was a total douchebag, I took a nap. I woke up to him pulling into my apartment complex, where he informed me he was too drunk to drive home. I let him stay the night, as my conscience would have burdened forever if anything happened on the way home.  He walked out the door bright and early the next morning. Never. Heard. From. Him. Again.



I'm a bit confused as to how he was sober enough to drive my friend to her apt (and be on the phone!), but not sober enough to continue on his merry way. I would have told him to go drive himself into a telephone pole, probably. Or sleep in his car. 


What would you have done?

Sneezy the Friendly Dwarf

I love it when my blog touched people's lives. Or really, just when they realize they know the people in my pictures. My friend Erin emailed me this gem yesterday after reading my post:

Ensley.

I was just perusing your blog, and was joyfully reading and laughing and enjoying the photo-heavy post about your weekend.

 

Until I ran across this:

Who is you?

You see, I had a brief, yet unfortunate encounter with this guy/creature only moments before you danced with him.

 

Let's review the evening.

We went to Andrew Blairs (I, unwillingly) to see you, since you lured us under false pretenses (You said there were young, attractive men. You did not include DOUCHE in the description). We came. We laughed.  We left.

 

From there, our little group walked across the dimly-lit parking lot to Angry Ales, a fine establishment next door. We enjoy the scenery and settle into our confortable (yet approachable) circle of girls.

 

Enjoying polite conversation with our friends, I was distracted by a wiff of air that came protruding down my back and shoulder area. Turning around, I see a (small) male, smiling and wiping his nose. EXCUSE ME? You SNEEZED on me? I give him a look of disgust and turn around to share the mutual digust with my friends. I turn around again, and he is still there. STILL THERE.

Here's how the convo went:

Him: "I didn't really sneeze"

Me: "OK?"

Him: "I just wanted to talk to you"

Me: "What would you like me to say? Bless you?"

Him: "I mean, what do you expect a guy to say to a girl he's attracted to?"

Me: "How about we start with HELLO."

Him: "I mean, it's just a pick up line...."

Me: "Well let's file that one away as "NEVER USE AGAIN"

 

He continued to stand there and tried to talk to me. I continued to give him the cold (and now wet) shoulder. His friends used this opportunity to swoop in and try to use their friend's awkward entrance as a way for them to seem more normal. It did not work. After many minutes of awkward and forced conversation, they scooted along to Andrew Blairs, where the Sneezy Dwarf found his next victim: Ensley.

 

Hope your encounter was less germ-filled, my friend.

Aaaaaand we have a winner for Most Annoying Person Ever: Sneezy the Dwarf! I can't imagine how he wasn't the perfect gentleman, evidenced by his near-stupor in the picture above. Sigh. We do attract winners, don't we?

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

My friends Katie and Adrienne came into town this weekend so we could celebrate Katie's birthday, Charlotte-style. (And if anyone asks, we're saying it was Katie's 25th Birthday: The Sequel.)

Adrienne started grad school at UGA in January and Katie lives in Greenville, so our shenanigans are few and far between these days. I'd almost forgotten how much fun the three of us have together. (Perhaps a little too much fun, judging by these pictures.)

Katie's Bday dinner at Cantina

We started out with a delish dinner at Cantina 1511, where the waitress was great about not judging our many round of skinny girl margs. (Tequila, club soda, splash of lime juice.) Afterwards, we went back to my apartment and I made us all a batch of grapefruit margaritas. 

Which took effect pretty quickly....

Appropriate, cute...

...and done with that. (Adrienne didn't get the "fug face" memo we sent out.)

As Adrienne (wisely) said the next morning, "When your pictures look like that at 10pm, it probably means you shouldn't go out."

Oh yea.

Work it.

But who are we to listen to wise advice? So we called a cab (did anyone realize that cab companies text you now to tell you when they're about to arrive? Creepy and cool, all rolled into one) and headed to Andrew Blairs.

Group hug!

I rushed right up to the DJ booth to request "Till the World Ends (Remix)", but the DJ said he wasn't taking requests. Scusi? Isn't that like a waiter not taking orders? What. The. Heck.

Dancefloor time

So we had to make our own fun, despite the terrible music. (Let's just say, this DJ plays the same two Micheal Jackson songs every week. But no Britney. Sigh.)

Incoming hand! 

We made some new friends...

Who is you?

...actually, I think this guy just bumped into me and I got him to take a picture. What. A. Hottie.

But seriously. Who is you?

We continued the awesomeness via a late-night party at our house. But while Katie entertained our guests in the living room, Adrienne and I somehow thought it would be a good idea to Hoover through the contents of my entire fridge. Cantina leftovers? Check. Birthday cake? Check. Crackers with peanut butter? I wish I were kidding. We had no shame, until Katie asked us to bring her her Cantina nacho leftovers...and I realized I'd already eaten them. Woops. 

I distracted her from being mad at me by telling her and our guests that I would make them shots of tequila, which they heartily agreed to. Little did they know it was actually a shot of my bottom shelf, plastic-bottle, Montezuma tequila. Happy freakin' birthday. 

The takeaway? I'm the worst hostess/bartender ever, but my friends are straight-up awesome.

Tina Fey's Bossypants

I'm a monthly member of Audible.com, where I do super-awesome things like download self help books that I listen to on my walks through Freedom Park.

I'm not even kidding. Conversations with God, Books 1, 2,and 3? Check, check, and check. Infinite Possibilities by Mike Dooley? Oh yea. (I'm currently listening to Love Wins by Rob Bell, which I had to download after it caused all kind of controversy in my Bible study. Telling me a book is causing an outrage in the conservative Protestant sect guarantees that I'm going to run right out and buy it. And probably agree with every word in it.)

But for my roadtrip to West Virginia for Easter, I wanted some entertainment in the car that wouldn't have me arrive at my grandparents house talking about the Oneness of the universe and all that. I needed something funny.

Listen to a sample here.

So I turned to my imaginary friend Tina Fey. And she didn't disappoint. (Does she ever?) Less a memoir and more just all the funny crap that's ever happened to her, Bossypants details everything from her years as a drama student at UVA to her time doing improv at Second City with Amy Poehler to her time at SNL.

And other drivers probably thought I was mental because I was cracking up BY MYSELF in the car.

The fact that this is currently #1 on the NYT bestseller list means I'm not alone, which is nice. (In fact, if you want a more intelligent, infinitely better written review of this book, check out the NYT review.)

Have you read this/want to read it?

Since it's Friday, treat yourself and check out the clip of Tina as Sarah Palin below.

The Preppy Vegan

I  didn't have time to post today (because of kickball shenanigans last night) but head on over to my food blog, The Preppy Vegan, to read today's super awesome delicious recipe.

You know you want to read it...

Oh, and we lost our kickball game, giving us an 0-9 record AND the title of Worst Team In the League. (You would think this would bother me, but it doesn't. At all. To me, the sooner we lose, the sooner we can go to the bar.)

Have a great Thursday!

I Bet Kristen Wiig Doesn't Have to Deal with This Crap

Just when I was getting depressed, thinking my freaky Match.com messages were done forever, some more weirdos came out of the woodwork. (Yay!) Remember the guy from this post who I tried to avoid at the bar? Yep, just got a message from him. 


From LB72:
How are you doing? I know we met a few months back and never met up but maybe we could give it a try? Let me know and I look forward to hearing back from you. 


Oh my gosh, what a romantic story! Guy and girl meet online, then run into each other for real. He N-E-V-E-R calls her, they try to avoid each other at a bar, and then he messages her on Match out of nowhere! *Sigh.* Sounds like a great love story in the making, no? 


Let's not forget that my byline on my Match profile is "NPR not the NRA" in order to avoid fundamentalist Christians/people that like to hunt for sport. This guy obviously approves of my left-leaning tendencies, but may have taken it a little too far. (By "may have", I mean "definitely".) Also, he's 42. 


From b_CLT:
Hey! Did you have a good weekend? When thinking of what I should do I definitely Considered All Things. What I came up with was really On Point. In the Morning Edition of my day I went for a hike to get some Fresh Air. So what did you do? Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, did you go to Freedom Park? What a great place. 


Oh yea. That. Just. Happened. 

Cuckholding?

Some of you may remember my friend Adrienne from my Carolina Cup or Beer, Bourbon, and BBQ fest . If you don't I'll catch you up: she's funny and hot, and I want to be her. Well, I want to be her minus this awesome terrible message she was kind enough to send me:


So I guess you get what you pay for...but I'm on plenty of fish and have had approximately zero luck with a few short potential conversations here and there that eventually turn into nothing. This message is what I came home to today...in no way does my profile even hint that I would be remotely interested in any such relationship activity. I thought you'd get a good laugh. Love you and can't wait to see you this weekend!

Adrienne

Hey so I'm looking for a different type of a relationship. I was curious to see if maybe our wants are similar and if it would make sense to talk more? Here is sorta what I have had, and some ideas of what I am looking for. See if it matches what you want :) so I've been involved with a few different types of relationships in the past. I've had traditional, but I've also had open, Dom/sub, cuckold, and some that were a combination. Open was just where one or both of us still saw other people. In my experience it was the female that saw other guys not me. I'm faithful, but do enjoy her to see other guys. An odd turn on for me. Dom sub was fun but more just sexual domination, and me submitting to her desires so I could be sexually rewarded at some point. Also I found this to be very fun. Cuckold is where she still dated, but included in some way. Had me watch, clean up, or just listen as I cooked them dinner or something. More role play type, but fun. So ... Having said all of that, would you have interest in any of that? Let me know your thoughts on this p,ease :)

CLEAN UP after us?!!??! o.m.g.

I think I grabbed my stomach and slapped my knee I was laughing so hard at this one. I think Adrienne wins for WORST/BEST (same difference) ONLINE DATING MESSAGE EVEEEER. What prize should she win? 

Bridesmaids (aka Story of My Life)

Since Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph are two of my main lady crushes, I may have elbowed a few skinny bitches out of the way to be first in the ticket line to see Bridesmaids this weekend. (Why were skinny bitches at this movie? Instead of laughing, they would just be thinking about how hungry they are. Get. outta. my. way.)

Naturally, my ladies didn't disappoint. This is a movie that's almost funnier when you're quoting it the next day. And quote it I did. With a-n-y-o-n-e who would listen. (Even with a couple of people who didn't really want to listen.)

Did anyone else see the movie this weekend? What were your favorite parts? Check out some trailers (and Melissa McCarthy's Chelsea Lately appearance) below if you just couldn't get enough!

What Are YOUR Dating Disaster Stories?

After last week's great responses to my appearance on Ask Lady Brain, I've quickly realizing that misery loves company bad dates make great stories.

So here it is. If you are reading this (you smart, smart person you) then you probably have some dating experience that's gone horribly (and humorously) wrong. Did he live with his mother? Facebook friend you the second you met? Write you creepy messages on Match.com? Only kiss you with the lights off?

Maybe you're just on the fence about whether this guy is a freak or not, and you need the lovely readers of Haughty by Nature to shoot it to you straight.

Email me at the_preppy_vegan@yahoo.com and you could have your 15 minutes of fame on Haughty by Nature! (Seriously, when I'm BFFs with Oprah one day you will be soooo pumped your story was on here.) The stories can be about you, your friend, a friend of a friend, whatever. Don't hold back, make it Haughty, and make sure you're ready to laugh about it. Then send it my way!

(If you need to emotionally eat while thinking about which story to send me, hop on over to my food blog, The Preppy Vegan, and check out today's dish. You're welcome. )

Haughty Talks Dating on Ask Lady Brain

Last week, I called into a West Coast radio show called Ask Lady Brain to talk about my recent dating disaster. (You know, the one you're dying to hear about because I took the post down?)

Steph and Lauren were kind enough to not only take my call but actually laugh along with me at the right moments. (Sigh of relief.) 


The best part? Hearing what they had to say after I hung up, which basically went like this:

1) Steph and Lauren saying how everyone who goes on a bad date should blog about it. (Worked for me.)
2) Madden (the dude DJ) mentioning that I should have found a way to bring the conversation back to myself, because the guy was "just nervous". (Uh, Madden? What do you think I was doing for three hours? It. Was. Impossible.)
3) The ladies saying that my end of the date "quiz" was a great idea. (Props to my BFF Ashley D for coming up with that one.)

This just goes to prove the face that dudes don't get me. Sigh. Throw me a bone here, Madden!

The other reason I love Lady Brain? While I was on hold, they played clips from a recent episode of Saturday Night Live. After my own heart, these two are.

Click here to listen to the show, and fast forward to the 12:10 mark if you just can't wait to hear me talk about myself. (But especially if you missed the original blog post about the date.)

What do you think of my radio debut?

Also, don't forget to head over to The Preppy Vegan and watch me drool over the new Calypso for Target collection.

Enz and Giuliana: BFFL

That's Best Friends For Life, in case you are living under a rock.

I just woke up from the most vivid dream, and unfortunately it wasn't of my own Royal Wedding to Prince Harry. (But there's always tomorrow night, right?)

Instead, it was about me and Giuliana Rancic...going to a water park. It looked like a ghetto Harry Potter world (or what my imagination interprets as a ghetto Harry Potter world). We rode on floats that looked like logs, and the people that worked there were dressed in medieval armor. (Huh?)

Source

But seriously...Giuliana and I were super besties, and had a great time.

The only part of this dream that makes sense is that I lurve me some Giuliana Rancic. (Do you watch Giuliana and Bill? Because you should. I look forward to it as much as I do Real Housewives.) But other than that...a water park? Medieval costumes? Perhaps I need to start listening to soothing nature sounds before I go to sleep, because something in my brain obviously needs to calm.it.down.

Anyone have any medieval water park-level dreams lately?

(P.S. check out our sister site, The Preppy Vegan, for the new trends in breakfast cereal. Yes, they exist.)

Something Borrowed: Dex vs. Ethan

Did anyone else see Something Borrowed this weekend? I've read all of Emily Giffen's books, and Something Borrowed and Something Blue are my favorites.

My only issue? Hands-down, I would have chosen John Krasinski's Ethan character over boring ol' Dex. What. Is. She. Thinking.

And yes, I did spend the e-n-t-i-r-e movie jealous that Emily Blunt gets to be Mrs. Krasinski in real life. Sigh.

But my unattainable crushes aside, who would you pick: Dex or Ethan?

Cinco de Drinko

Yea...didn't post on Friday because I had a little too much fun on Cinco de Mayo Thursday night...(seriously, I barely made it to work). Woof.

Buuuut it was totally worth the pounding headache and slight nausea that I experienced Friday morning to have danced the night away to the sounds of Jessie's Girls:

Terrible costumes, good music

Seriously...the girls looked like they came straight from some sort of American Apparel strip club...not cute. But they sang Beyonce and Neo, so I forgave them.

My friend Keefs and I enjoyed tasting all of the different bartenders' versions of skinnygirl margs. Some interpreted this as "bottom shelf tequila, straight up" while others actually understood what we were saying, which was:

Tequila
Club soda
SPLASH of lime juice (P.S., a "splash" does not equal pouring half the bottle into my cup)

Keefer and me

We ran into friends! Recognize Lindsey from the AWOL pictures?

While the music and ladies were fun, there were unfortunately no hot dudes there. (Wonk.) Even Lindsey, who is all of 5'4, kept commenting on how short the male population was at this gathering. Sigh.There was, however, one of my ex-boyfriend's friends, who decided to pull me into this lovely conversation:

Dude: So....you used to date (insert ex's name here)

Me: (Surprised look.) Yes I did. That was a really long time ago.

Dude: I love that kid.

Me: Since you're best friends, I would certainly hope so.

As usual, I was awkward and didn't really know what to say. I run into this guy all the time, so it's not like the only memories he has of my are with the ex. And we broke up almost two years ago! (See: beating a dead horse.) Was he trying to get me to trash talk, or did he genuinely think this was an interesting topic for discussion?

Good thing I had plenty of tequila on hand. What would you have said?

Haughty by Nature Featured on GalTime!

In a stroke of luck irony, lil' ol' Haughty by Nature was  featured yesterday in this article on GalTime, an online women's magazine!

a

Check it out here.

Read the article, because guess who came up with the sample text messages? ME! Guess who came up with the girl responses? ME! 

What I thought was hours upon hours of wasted time overanalyzing text messages was really just research for this article. (Full circle, people, full circle.)

I'm framing this last part, since I don't think my name and the word expert have ever been placed in the same sentence. (And it may never again, so I'm milking it.) 

Though it's funny that being listed as a dating expert doesn't, er, translate into much actual dating. 

This may be a good time to point out that there is a difference between being a dating expert and relationship expert. Wonk wonk. 

After you've read the article, do you agree with my text message decoding? Have you ever received a text that forced you to overanalyze for hours? (Like I said, no judgement.)

Haute Reads: Innocent Traitor

As I mentioned in my Royal Wedding post, my fascination with the English monarchy lies less with William and Harry and more with the Tudor period. (And now that the Showtime version of The Tudors has ended, I'm not really sure what to do with my Sunday nights.)

I don't know what I like so much about this time period. Everyone was greedy, manipulative, and miserable; there was a ton of violence, and women were treated like cattle that could be bought and sold.

But there's also sex! And intrigue! And cunning/manipulation! I can't get enough.

I just finished the book Innocent Traitor by Allison Weir, which is about the plot to put Lady Jane Grey on the English throne after the death of Henry VIII. I spent like three hours on Sunday totally engrossed in it, and if my friend Ashley hadn't called to see if I wanted to go for a walk, my muscles may have atrophied.

Is anyone else fascinated by this time period (and people like Anne Boleyn) or is it just me?

Operation: Kate Middleton

...also known as O.K.M.

Before the Royal Wedding last Friday, my dear roommate and I would probably have considered ourselves "average" Kate Middleton fans. She seemed lovely enough, but we were more likely to squeal excitedly over the raunchy dance moves of Beyonce and Britney.

Until she stepped out of that Rolls Royce on Friday morning. Besides being speechless at the perfection of the dress, our minds were racing. The waist was so tiny! The hair was so luscious! The makeup? Glowing! We were mesmerized.

Sigh.

And so began our obsession with the new Duchess of Cambridge. (Is her name Kate Windsor now? Or Wales? Or Arthur Philip Louis or whatever she called Wills during the ceremony?)

Also, we've decided we're willing to wear corsets on a daily basis if it means having waists that small. Whatever it takes.

Until corsets become a more realistic option, we've decided to use Kate as our workout/diet inspiration. When we're eyeing that last piece of chocolate in the pantry, the whispered letters O.K.M are all that's needed to deter our greedy hands. Trying to skip out on a workout? Pictures of like these of K.M. herself await to taunt inspire us on our bathroom mirrors:

Kate in her Royal Recepton Dress, also custom designed by Sarah Burton

Why are you so perfect? Why?

Inspiring enough to put down the chocolate, no?

Aaaand everything in my closet will now be pink. Don't judge.

O.K.M isn't about landing a prince as much as it's about our own personal vanity. We want to look hot. And sitting around watching reruns of Bethenny Ever After ain't going to do the trick. So we're each using O.K.M. to inspire us in different ways. For Roomie, that means adding some push-ups to her cardio routine and writing down what she eats. For me, it means doing more than one tricep dip a year and doing at least a short walk/run every day. So far, so good. (It's Day 2.)

Roomie confessed our freakish obsessions to her bestie, who comforted us in our crazy by telling us she's embarking on a similar regime she aptly title Project Kate. Ka-ching!

And once the novelty of O.K.M. wears off, we can always switch to O.P.M.:

Operation Pippa Middleton

Are you on O.K.M. or O.P.M? 

The Epidemic of Cargo Shorts

Saturday, some of my favorite ladies and I packed our coolers and headed to the A.W.O.L. music fest here in Charlotte. Did I mention that it was BYOB as long as you didn't have glass containers? Sold!

Linds, Abby, Charlene, and moi

We heard awesome sets by bands like B.P.L, Matrimony, Paper Tongues and Mike Posner. (Yes, the guy that sings "Cooler Than Me".) 

The lead singer of Paper Tongues and our resident interpretive dancer

It was hipster paradise out there. More than once, we smelled the distinct odor of cannabis wafting through the air. (I must say, those people have balls to be tokin' up in broad daylight.) This may explain something else we saw:

Cargo shorts. Everywhere. 

What is with the predominance of cargo shorts? I don't understand their popularity. What the hell are you carrying around that you need that many pockets? What's so wrong with a nice pair of plain ol' khaki shorts?

The combo of cargo shorts and the w-a-s-t-e-d lady in front of us doing hour upon hour of interpretive dancing led my friend Abby to (wisely) conclude: "I think this is why concerts are usually at night." Aka...in the dark, where hot pants-clad self can interpretively dance to your blood alcohol's content. 

How can we end the epidemic of cargo shorts?