Real Housewives of Orange County: I Snooze, You Lose

We probably don't need to restate my unhealthy obsession with anything to do with Real Housewives of Orange County. (But in case you've been living under a rock, don't I fit right in?)

Is anyone watching this season? Because even though I recently wrote this post, I'm pretty bored with the show. (This doesn't mean that I'm not going to watch, just that some of the magic has died. Slowly. And painfully.)

I mean, they never go drinking anymore, and pretty much just discuss drama that happened three seasons ago. Also, they rent two bedroom condos instead of living in huge mansions. What is this, a show about my own life? No thanks! (But if anyone from Bravo, E!, or Style is reading this, I could TOTALLY get some ratings. Have your people talk to my people.)

The whole point of reality TV for me is just the opposite. I certainly don't watch for a dose of reality. I want to see some hot blondes shopping for bling-bling and sipping bright pink umbrella drinks.

Is that so much to ask?

Awkward by Nature Pt. 2: Keeps Getting Better

Scene: Friday night. I'm out at Andrew Blair's with my ladies, doing our usual fraps and scoping for dudes. (I was also having some skinnygirl margs, so you better believe I was tearing.it.UP. on the dancefloor.)

Sigh. All of the dudes were certifiable midgets super short and unattractive. Except one.

He looked strangely familiar.

You see, back in the fall I was on a free dating website called Plentyoffish. (Ever heard the saying "you get what you pay for"? It's true.) For the most part, none of the guys had a high school diploma...so, not really on my "level". There was one guy though, who was tall, handsome, and used to play football for the Florida Gators. I mean, I was ready to tattoo his name on my ring finger upon reading his profile. We emailed back and forth a few times before fate intervened and we randomly ran into each other in person (I was on the dancefloor that time too...figures). We chatted, I drooled over his height (6'5), and he got my number and asked if he could take me out.

Aaaand then I never heard from him. Or saw him again, until he showed up at Andrew Blair's.

The biggest problem was this: between his height and my height we were the tallest people there. I desperately tried to avoid eye contact while wishing I was 5'1 so that
1) I would be able to hide in the crowd, and
2) I would be able to date one of the other runts at this bar

Then he was talking to a skinny bitch with a Bump-It in her hair, which made me feel a lot better. I mean, if he likes girls who wear Bump-Its for any other reason than dressing up as Snooki for Halloween, I'm not really his type. (See: classy.)

So there goes the one man in Charlotte who is taller than me. My question is: are men getting shorter or are we getting taller? It's not like I play on a women's volleyball team or something, and I very rarely wear heels. Yet my 5'8 stature apparently means I'm an Amazon woman. Sigh. Where have all the tall guys gone?

P.S. Inebriation is no excuse for this sort of public makeout session...(plus it wasn't even midnight at this point).

Who raised you? Wolves?

Awkward by Nature

Last night I went out on a limb and decided to go to Alive After 5 with a bunch of my favorites.

I really need a smaller purse

I even got the bartender (who I'm pretty sure didn't know up from down) to make a modified "skinnygirl" margarita: tequila, club soda, splash of sour mix.

We danced to the sounds of Liquid Pleasure (who played such classics as Nellys "Hot in Herrre"), took fraps (fraternity laps...scoping for dudes), and generally had a great time.

So, naturally, something weird had to happen.

Now comes confession time. I've been keeping secrets from ya'll. I went on a date with a guy from Match.com a couple of weeks ago. (I'll post about it next week!) It was a good date, but long story short I didn't hear from him until A WEEK LATER (and even then it was a lame text) so I decided that this was probably not the man for me. Also, I have the attention span of one of my four year old students and need constant attention in order to maintain interest. (But not too much attention. It's all about balance.)

Well, I ran into him right in the middle of Alive After 5. Not only did I run into him, but he trapped me for like ten minutes making small talk about things we had talked about on our date...which was literally over a month ago. Hey dude? If you wanted to know all this, you should have asked me out again. That's how this whole "dating" thing works. I am trying to leave.

Then he ended with "I'm off to get a burger, are you jealous?"

Me: "Not really."

Him: "Not really? Why?"

Me: "I'm a vegetarian...?"

Him: "You could get a turkey burger."

Right....this might be why we didn't go out again.

Sigh.

Now Accepting: Boyfriend Applications

My friend Sarah B. recently sent me her "perfect boyfriend application" she and a friend had made. It's actually pretty perfect, and seems like it would save me a lot of time and unapologetic mocking heartache if I could really put it into effect. I added a few questions for my own personal needs, but here it is:

Perfect Boyfriend Application

 (Please do not leave any fields blank)

Step 1

Name:  

Birth Date                                                                                                         

Employment:

Do you currently live with your parents? If no, please proceed to Step 2. If yes, please try again later. Or never. 

Step 2

(Please check all that apply)

_____ funny  (dry sense of humor preferred)

_____ musician, list instruments:____________________________________

_____ outdoorsy, please explain: ____________________________________

_____ love kids/ want family

_____ creative, please list outlets:____________________________________

_____ intelligent/ intellectual, areas of interest:  __________________________

_____ athletic, please explain:______________________________________

_____ spiritual, please explain: _____________________________________

_____ unique sense of style, describe a typical outfit: ___________________________

_____ cute (beard preferred)

_____ have friends 

_____ adventurous

_____ spontaneous

_____ politically aware, political leaning: _________________________________

_____ good dancer

_____ dog lover, preferred breed: _________________________________

_____ patient

_____ motivated/goal oriented

_____ bathe/shower regularly

_____ supportive/protective

_____ decisive/consistent

_____ affectionate

_____ good kisser

Step 3 

(Please list Top 3)

Books: 

Movies:

Musicians/groups

Sports to watch/ play:

Step 4

(Please circle)

Can you keep plants alive? Yes/ No/ Sometimes

Can you make a campfire from scratch? Yes/ No/ sometimes

Would you buy me tampons? Yes/ No/ Sometimes

Would you be willing to take vacations with my in-laws? Yes/ No/ Sometimes

Would you watch Real Housewives with me? Yes/ No/ Sometimes

Step 5: Essay Questions

1. We discover a mouse running across the kitchen floor. What do you do?

2. I've had a bad day and only a Real Housewives marathon will make me feel better. The big game comes on at 8. How do you solve the problem?

3. My birthday is coming up and you have no idea what to get someone who is as perfect as me. Who do you go to to get ideas?

So...what do you think? Do we need to add anything before we send it out to the masses?

Dating and the Art of Facebook Friendship

I'm happy to report that I've engaged in some "normal" (aka offline) dating as of late. Insert sigh of relief. 

Take this for example. Saturday night, I headed to Angry Ales so my friend could meet up with the guy she's been hollerin' at. This guy brought some friends. 

Naturally, all the friends were in love with me. 

(Ok, fine, just one of them. We'll call him J.)

While my friend and her man of the moment were making eyes at each other over 2-for-1 Mich Ultras, J and I seemed to hit it off. He made me laugh, he made fun of our friends who were heavily flirting with each other, and he bought me a drink. (It doesn't take much, people.)

At the end of the night, as the bar lights were romantically flashing and people shouted "Last Call!" in my ear, he asked if he could take me to dinner sometime. I told him I would like that. (What? I always like free dinner.) I left the bar that night patting myself on the back for making a genuine, in person connection. I should have known something was up. Because by the next day? He had Facebook friended me. 

First of all, this guy is pretty much a total rando. I didn't give him my last name, and we didn't have any mutual friends, which means he put my name in the search box and weeded through until he found me. 

Uh-uh. Creeps.  

I'm not sure if there's a set of hard and fast rules regarding Facebook friendship and dating, but being "friends" before we even go out on a date? No thank you. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to save the pictures of myself doing keg stands for at least the second date. (I am a lady, after all.)

Being a commitment-phobe to begin with, this makes me feel slightly smothered. I'm pretty much ready to write this guy off.

What do you think? Is he creepy or am I crazy? (Or C: All of the above?)


P.S. Have you checked out The Preppy Vegan? It's only the hottest, most fabulous cooking/lifestyle blog around! 

The New Non-Negotiables for Online Dating

I obviously wrote this post about my 5 Love Non-Negotiables before I started online dating. My original five were:

1. Makes me laugh

2. Adventurous

3. Thoughtful

4. Wants children

5. Has a job he is passionate about (or is at least working towards it)

Yea...what was I thinking? Those were not only WAY too lofty, but much too deep and abstract as well. I've revised my five to be a little more realistic.

Ensley's Revised Top 5

1. Doesn't use the term LOL...ever

2. Taller than 5'8

3. Knowledge of correct American English grammar and spelling

4. Younger than 35...at least while I'm still 25

5. A BMI of less than 30 

MUCH more concrete and attainable. I mean, is this so much to ask for? (Apparently, yes.) Just to prove my point, my friend Becca just received this message on her online dating site:

Do you date older guys too?
So I'm going to think out of the box here and send you my cell #: 

(864)201-XXXX in case you ever wish to chat/text there. Thanks for at least looking at me and telling me what you think about my profile and pictures. You are a REAL DOLLBABY indeed! Hope to hear from you soon? Don't let age or the miles we share between us keep you from getting to know me better.

Jason

Woof.

I Could Really Get Used to This

When asked to dog/housesit for my roommate's mom last weekend, I jumped at the chance. Was it out of the goodness of my heart? Of course not.

It's because, while my roommate is a humble teacher, the house she grew up in closely resembles something like this:

I'm exaggerating. But only slightly.

So, I got to spend the weekend in a luxe house in one of the most beautiful areas of Charlotte, and get paid for it? Check and check.

In my dinky excuse for a bed, I can barely sleep past 7:30am on the weekends. There must have been something magic (like memory foam) in the pillows and mattresses, because this little princess slept until way past 9 both mornings. Can we say V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N? And why get out of bed anyways when the remote on the bedside table allows me to watch TV, DVR, a DVD, or listen to a CD with the push of a button? I could definitely be put on self-prescribed bed rest and be totally fine with it. 

Bedroom images from Veranda

The Master is even more beautiful than these, if you can believe it. Plus, there's a Plasma TV on the wall. 

Then there was the bathroom. Don't. Get. Me. Started. 

Ok, fine. Get me started. But where? On the double-headed steam shower? The jet tub? The fact that the bathroom as a whole is three times the size of my bedroom? Right. I could have paid rent and just lived in that thing. 

Hello, spa day.
(All bathroom images from Southern Living)

Sunday, I dragged myself back to my 850 square foot apartment well-rested, frequently showered, and feeling like I'd been on a vacation (when really I'd been about 1.3 miles down the road). 

I tried to think of how to make my bedroom and bathroom more spa-like, and my solution was:

1) move. 

Kidding. There are things I could do, like buying some memory foam pillows instead of the $2.99 Target puffs I am currently sleeping on, or buying a new comforter that actually has some weight to it, like this one:

Lilly Pulitzer for Garnet Hill

But really, last weekend taught me two things: 

1) I really do have champagne tastes on a beer budget

2) I would like to have champagne tastes on a champagne budget. 

What's a girl to do?

Want to get the recipes from my super fun birthday party? Want to see how Southern vegan food isn't an oxymoron? Head on over to my new cooking blog, The Preppy Vegan! She launches today. Go ahead-follow it, like it, leave a comment. (You know you want to.)