Monday, January 3, 2011

2011: Heavy on the Sass, Light on the Class

Stocking Island, Bahamas

The thing about celebrating New Year's in an Out Island of the Bahamas
is that you have to be sassy in order to survive. (Per-FECT!) You, being a white
girl of smallish (?) stature are surrounded by droves of very large

Bahamian men who are constantly catcalling and tsk-ing at you (apparently they think that I find this attractive, which is
interesting). Not only do you have to practice The Look of disdain,
but you occasionally have to let them know when they have stepped over the line. 

Case in point: Isaac. Isaac is a very nice Bahamian in his mid 30s.

Unfortunately for poor Isaac, he decided it would be a good idea to grab my upper arm fat muscle and say "Woooo, girl. You got

somethin' to grab ON TO!"

Big mistake. Big, biiiiig mistake.

He was lucky that I was double-fisting, and therefore rendered unable
to slap him on his face. But I DID have a lot of rum in my
bloodstream, so my voice was sufficiently loud.

"ISAAC! You do NOT tell an American they've got "something to grab on

to". American girls want to be told they have NOTHING to grab on to.

Nothing! We like to be compared to skin and bones. Rude.

Alvin (who runs one of the beach restaurants), Tori (an American working in the Bahamas), my frenemy Isaac, and myself. Sorry about the rain splatters on my camera lens.  
Anyways, he apologized, and I not only got him to buy me a drink out

of guilt but also felt like I had done the world a favor by passing
along this information. You're welcome, world!

Then I met Scott*. Big, fat Scott. Scott is sailing with his super
cool Australian uncle for a couple of months. Unfortunately, Scott is
neither Australian or the least bit cool. He
is however, fat, lazy, boring, rude, and able to trap people in

conversations that have no meaning or value for seemingly hours on
end. Here is a little snippet of our beautiful exchange:

This is a pretty accurate depiction of ol' Scotty.

Me: Hey, Scott! Your uncle just asked if you would go down to the
beach. Your dinghy is filling up with water from the waves and he
asked that you come help.

Scott: Nah. He'll be fine.

Me: Um, what? No, he won't. I just tried to help him but I wasn't
really strong enough.

Scott: So, what? You want me to like, apologize to you? I'm not doing that.

Me: (Pause for a beat.) Nooooo. But it will be a little hard to get
home safely when your dinghy is full of water and stranded on the

Scott then proceeds to put his hand in my face as in "talk to the
hand". For real? Who DOES that?

Luckily for him, my double-fisting drinks were empty and I was

rendered unable to throw one of them in his face.

Luckily for me, my Bahamian friend Isaac chose that moment to come up
and ask "is this guy bothering you?", to which I smiled at him
sweetly, batted my eyelashes,
and replied "Yes. Yes he is".

And then I left Fatty Fatty No Friends to deal with my new Bahamian

friend (and all of his Bahamian friends).

Welcome to the Bahamas, sucker!

So, even though  I got my arm fat squeezed, wish I could have had a
few more words with a certain overweight loser, and had to pull
dinghies full of water up onto the beach in my cute clothes, I still
had a great time. I love 2011!

What sort of debauchery did you lovely readers experience on New Year's Eve? What do you love about 2011?

*This is totally his real name. Whatever...he deserves it.


Ashley said...

Thanks for your sweet comments :) I'm excited about Weight Watchers! And I'm a 2009 UF alum! Go Gators!

Related Posts with Thumbnails