Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Say Yes to the (Bridesmaid's) Dress

Believe it: You are currently reading a blog written by the hot (haute?) new star of Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, here to give you all of the juicy behind-the-scenes scoop in a down-to-the-minute play by play. Buckle up, people! It's going to be a long freakin' day wild ride. Here goes:

6:00 am: Rise from slumber to get hair and makeup "camera ready". This turns turns out to be eerily similar to your "everyday" makeup look, just with the addition of about 10 layers of bronzer. Winning.

7:00 am: Head down to continental breakfast, mimosa in hand. (It's to "ease the nerves", Lindsay Lohan-style.)

7:13 am: Realize that the combination of champagne + coffee is making you lightheaded and slightly woozy, which could be the perfect recipe for must-watch reality television. (See above Lindsay Lohan reference.)

7:14 am - 7:54 am: Continue with the alcohol and caffeine experiment since, if worse comes to worse, you'll still have it more together than anyone on the following reality shows: Teen Mom, True Life, Too Fat to Live, Hoarders, or I Didn't Know I was Pregnant.

8:00 am: Arrive at Bridals by Lori.

Yes, that's my thumb and yes, I was a photography major. 

As opposed to...putting a sign in my window saying "Unlocked and ready for burglary: precious jewels inside"?

8:02 am: Get ushered into the waiting area. Little do you know how much emphasis will be placed on w-a-i-t-i-n-g.
Ready for our close-up!
8:10 am: Caroline (the bride) gets pulled for an interview. Sit around and take pictures because HELLO! you are about to be on TV and these are your last moments as an anonymous nobody. Fame and fortune await you!

8:43 am: Get miked up by the awesome PA Tiffany, who is the only one we'd allow to get this up close and personal without buying us a drink first.
Work it, Tiff. Work.It.
8:46 am: Wait with bated breath as the producers start pulling people for individual interviews.This? Is your moment. 

Any. Minute.Now.
8:57 am: Continue as they call prettttty much every other bridesmaid except yourself. Can we say "saving the best for last"?

8:59 am: Niki sighting! Lovvvvve her hair, hate the fact she loves the Georgia Bulldogs. Sick.

9:04 am: Personal pep talk gives way to impatience. Start to question your own self-worth. Are other people as interesting as you? Are they funnier? Haughtier? Prettier? WHY aren't you being chosen?

9:06 am: Group shots outside for the producers to use later.

Why are Ashley's legs as straight as a ruler? It's unclear. 

9:47 am: Rationalize that TLC realizes you will totally steal the show if given any significant amount of camera time, therefore they are keeping you on the back burner. Sigh with relief.

9:48 am: But seriously. When is the interview?

9:49 am: Realize that bated breath might be a waste of time. You ain't getting no interview. Begin to pout.

9:53 am: Laurie spotting! (She asked if we'd been drinking. This woman? Really knows what's up.)

10:00 am-2:00 pm : Go back into the salon for filming, the deets of which are top secret until the episode airs! All I'll say is that at least 5 of the top 10 most embarrassing moments of my life occurred in that freakin' bridal salon. Traumatized.

2:00 pm : Cameras are off and we're shuffled back to the (sigh) waiting area while people do their final interviews. At this point you are so hungry/tired you may either chew  your own arm off or fall asleep in an upright position. Both sound equally appealing.

Despite the 10 hour day, Ashley is STILL ready for her close up. Impressed.
2:04 pm: Wait anxiously as the director starts asking all of the bridesmaids who hadn't interviewed this morning to come to the back with her. You are the last one left. You ARE about to be picked.

2:06 pm: Brandon sighting!

Heeeey Brandon, we know you just walked in the door but canyoutakeapicturewithuspleaseweloveyou!
2:37 pm: The director brings the other girls back and announces we are done for the day. Everyone can go home! Wonk wonk wonk. 

2:38 pm:  Leave Bridals by Lori and head to lunch with the girls. Destination: anywhere that serves strooong margaritas.

A few things I learned about myself in that bridal salon:

1. While I am haughty, a television personality I am not. Writing is much more up my alley.
2. I really should curl my hair if I'm going to be on camera.
3. Those Jillian Michaels videos don't work unless you actually do them.


On the bright side, the crew and consultants were amazing and couldn't have been more laid back or patient with us. (We may have, uh, chanted their names every.single.time. they walked by.) Bridals by Lori rocks!

As soon as I know when the episode will air, I'll make sure to post it so you can see if we said yes to a bridesmaid's dress!

And until then? No autographs, please.


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