Friday, April 3, 2009

Total Body = Total Nottie

In my not-so-extreme efforts to become a Skinny Bitch, I ventured to New York Sports Club's Total Body Conditioning class this morning. Being that it was mid-morning on a Friday, the class was mostly populated by grandmother-ish types and stay at home moms who stuff their kids in the playroom with a bored, under-eye bagged Hispanic woman. Since I was one of the youngest people there, I thought that maybe, just maybe, this would be one fitness class in which I didn't make a complete fool of myself.

That lasted about five minutes.

To start, we were supposed to get two sets of weights-heavy and light. Seeing as how I've been increasing my weights recently, I got a variety that included 5, 8, and 10 lb weights. WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong. Halfway through the first set I switched from 8 to five pounds. Then I ran over and got some three pounders while the 80 year old grandma dressed like a ballerina (there were pink legwarmers involved) almost punched me in the face. By the end of the first arm exercise I was lifting...air. Pure, sweet, oxygen, that's all the resistance I need to feel the burn! I mean really. Maybe once I get a little more fit I could start lifting pencils? Or empty Aquafina bottles? Whatever it takes!

Problem number two. Since I tend to get off-beat very quickly, I'm usually looking around to make sure I'm in sync with everyone else. Imagine my shock and disgust when I realize that the woman standing directly in front of me had the most ass sweat I. Have. Ever. Seen. It was truly distracting. And disturbing. On the upside, it totally took my mind off of the fire that was my entire lower body during our squat session. On the downside...I was staring at ass sweat. A lot of it. But she WAS a skinny bitch. So I had to wonder, is this what happens when you are a skinny bitch? I mean, my ass wasn't sweating, but then again I was lifiting AIR. Not exactly working hard. Maybe having a river of ass sweat that could rival the Hudson in width and total liquid volume is what it takes to fit in single-digit pants? Maybe.

If so, I'll stay in my size 10's forever. That's just nasty.


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