Tuesday, December 6, 2011

You're SO Pretty...

There are very few times in my life that I've felt, well, old. The first was when another teacher asked me why I suddenly seemed to be going grey. (Um...maybe because there's not a salon within 100 miles of this trailer park that I'd allow to touch a hair on my head? RUDE.)

The second (and most recent) was when I learned the hard way that I can no longer handle open bars like I used to.

Or at all.

Let me back up. This past weekend, my beautiful sorority sister and former roommate Mal married in the love of her life in a gorgeous winter wedding.

And I? Barfed allllll over a hotel room thanks to my lack of self-control at the open bar.

The gorgeous church
Mind you, on the night before the wedding, my friend Caroline and I had a looooooong discussion about how our friends should totally feel comfortable having open bars now, since all of us were "adults" and could "handle ourselves appropriately".

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Katie and I at the reception
I, the bridal attendant, handed out programs like a fiend at the ceremony. Pomegranate martini in hand, I shmoozed the guests into signing the guest book at the reception. 

Eventually the guest book was full. I danced, drank another martini, and did a couple of laps around the reception. 

Then I drank another martini. And another. There might have been a glass or three of champagne mixed in there somewhere. But hey, it's free, right?

This is when the merriment begins to get a little blurry. I seem to remember someone getting me outside to light sparklers and wish Mal and her new husband off, but I'm not sure how. I distinctly remember hearing someone hiss "Look. At. Ensley", but my eyes were having trouble focusing enough to figure out who it was. 

Eventually, we'd all made it back to the hotel, where I was sitting upright on a bed, silently chanting to myself "You will NOT throw up. You will NOT throw up." (Sort of like a scene out of Eat, Pray, Love, but with vodka coursing through my veins instead of spiritual wisdom.)

Then my friend Caroline blurted out "Does anyone else smell B.O? I smell B.O." To which our other friend decided that I, of everyone in the room, was the one who should check her underarm area for B.O. 

With my nose. 

I think you know where this is going. 

Visions of sweaty, disgusting armpits filled my mind. Before I could stop myself, I was sprinting to the bathroom. The last thing I remember is someone is calling housekeeping and saying "we have a situation...." before I pressed my cheek to the cool, sweet tile and descended into sweet darkness. 

But hey, I'm an adult now, right? I can handle myself. 


*Please do not let the contents of this blog post discourage anyone from inviting me to their open bar reception. The hangover was punishment enough.



7 comments:

Shae Majors said...

first of all, you look beautiful in that picture at the reception!

Second of all, I think I was recently having the same convo about open bars with a friend and our concluding rationales were very similar. (We also concluded that when openbars are involved boys like to have wrestling fights that turn into weird tickle fests and punching contests.....so atleast you weren't throwing bows at this wedding or challenging some girl to a weave pulling contest....bc thats where my mind goes when the alcohol is overflowing!)

Everyone needs a good story/hangover every once in awhile though!!!!!

Sarah Beth - Dixie Gator Gal said...

Ouch. I have done that to myself sooo many times, even when the bar isn't open. You look beautiful, and at least were able to conquer all your attendant responsibilities!

Lisa said...

I recently learned the same lesson.

Only it was at my work Christmas party.

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Shae Majors I like how you look at the big picture. Luckily none of my sorority sisters have weaves, or I'm SURE I would have pulled them Kim Zolziak style. Woof.

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Sarah Beth Thanks! I know that guest book will turn up eventually....

Haughty by Nature said...

@ Lisa Care to write a blog about it?

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