{Bachelorette} Boys Tell All?

Does it feel chilly in here to you?

Because I think hell has frozen over.

This is due to the fact that, after last night's extremely drawn-out Men Tell All special, I'm pretty sure I'd rather be trapped in a room with Kalon and Ryan together than have to listen to Chris's driveling whine and copycat statements so similar to Sean's.

Chris Douche-kowski

We get it, dude. You fell in love with Emily, she opened your heart to the "possibilities" in life (like being on Bachelor Pad) and you only wish her the best. (Just like Sean!)

Literally. Those exact words had just come out of Sean's mouth. And I'm inclined to believe ol' towhead over here because even while being dumped he acted like a gentleman, and you? Did not. (FYI? Generally, yelling at someone when they are dumping you is considered a waste of energy. They already know they don't want to be anywhere near you. Stop proving them right.)

It's like he's angry at the other guys for simply existing. Was he aware that he was on a dating show in which other contestants were asked to be there? It's unclear. He spent so much time rolling his eyes, shaking his head, and interrupting that even Ryan couldn't get a word in edgewise. (That's saying a lot.)

Of course, Emily told Kalon off about what has to be the most overblown comment in the history of The Bachelorette. It's not like you were at risk of ending up with him, sister. Let's all just let.it.go. I do appreciate the fact that she's never afraid to hurt someone's feelings when she unleashes the West Virginia Hood Rat in her. Get it, girl.

The winner of the night was Sean, who was as gracious and sweet as can be. Despite the fact that he wears weird jeans with back pocket flaps, he is such a prize. Yum. I'll leave you with a little clip proving my point:

What did y'all think of the show last night?

Portlandia, Ep. 1: Thank You for Embracing My Weirdness

Ah, Portland: The largest city in Oregon, my brother's home for the summer, and the place where men wear skinny jeans on a regular basis. Suh-weet.

I'm here for almost a week visiting my bro, which means that as soon as I got out of the car I made him do, uh, exactly what I wanted to do. 

First stop? Eat (veggie) sushi. They seem to have a lot of these conveyor-belt type restaurants in Portland, where you pick up plates as they whirl around you in a tantalizing fashion.

"Please stop taking things off the conveyor belt and putting them back." Nope.

At these places, you can eat as soon as you sit down. This is a plus. On the other hand, this tends to result in overeating for me some people. (To the point my brother was disgusted.) This can be construed as a negative depending on who you're asking.

Round numero uno...for me. 

Portland is known as an outdoorsy type o' town, evidenced by the skilled moves of this outdoor Zumba class, which, obviously I stopped and took pictures of. (It's not everyday a small town girl gets to see real life people doing Zumba!)

They're sexy and they know it.

After stuffing myself and oogling Zumba-goers, I bribed convinced my brother to see Katy Perry's Part of Me by offering to pay for his ticket telling him I had heard really great things about it. Surprise! It worked. Don't we look just like her?

Jack, lookin' good. Me? Not so much.

Not going to lie: I cried about four times. I had one foot over the "I hate Katy Perry" fence until I saw this movie, and now I'm one step away from dying my hair blue and trying to crawl onstage with her.

 For starters, I'd never realized that she writes her own music or how much creative control she truly has over her image and performances. Love! It was also incredibly inspiring to hear her rough start in the music industry, when she was signed and dropped by label after label until she met a record exec who was willing to go to bat for her. (Hint: it involves stealing all the Katy Perry files from one company and shuffling them over to another. Awesome.) 

As record labels tried to shape her into "the next Avril Lavigne" or "the next Pink", she held her ground and insisted on being the first Katy Perry. She's proof that being your authentic, weird self coupled with not giving up WILL lead to success. I'm literally still thinking about this movie almost a week after I've seen it. GO SEE IT NOW.

I'll leave you with a little clip from the genius show Portlandia. Thank me later.

Don't be the "next" anybody. Be the first "you"!

{The Bachelorette} Hometown Dates

So usually I don't blog about the Bachelorette because by the time I've watched it on my DVR, no one cares anymore. But not this week. (Fingers crossed.)

Truth: Last night may have been the first time (ever) that I was glad I'm not Emily Maynard.

It's a new feeling, y'all.

But seriously. Hometown dates seem:
1) extremely long with lots of repeating of why you think ______________(insert man's name here) is the p-e-r-f-e-c-t guy for you, and
2) more than slightly awkward when you know that you are sending that man packing in less than 72 hours.

Example: Chris. Sorry, dude. But all you did was prove to Emily that she was making the right choice with your whiny little girl act. I mean seriously. It seems like you get this mad when the tiniest little thing doesn't go your way, which means we'd used up all of our sympathy on you before the rose ceremony. It's not her fault your dad told you things that she hadn't actually said.

Buh-bye.

Then she went to Utah to visit my personal favorite, Jef. I. Love. This. Man. Maybe it's the skinny jeans, or maybe the fact that he has more product in his hair in a day than Emily does in a week, but I adore him. He's not the typical guy you see on the Bachelorette, and I find that very refreshing. Also, I like his muscles.

And can we talk about the most romantic letter ever written?!?!? I was dying. DYING. I'm pretty sure I would have demanded a ring right at that moment, and then just worn it to the rose ceremony and hoped the other guys got the picture. "Sorry losers, while you were catching up on the latest US Weekly during your plane ride home, Jef was composing the greatest love letter ever written. Buh-bye."


Then we meet Arie's family, in which they talk about Emily in Dutch while she's sitting right there! Rude, rude, rude. I couldn't really recover after that. Moving on.

Sean's "surprise" was about the lamest thing I've ever witnessed. I don't know about Emily, but I don't think it's cute or funny to get tricked just to witness my reaction. Not cool. And they did it to her twice! Can we also talk about the fact that he seems like a not-so-great kisser based on the fact that I felt like his tongue was all up in my face and I'm just a viewer? Get it together, bro.

On a final note, sister friend was getting real comfortable with that teasing comb at the rose ceremony. Can we say "volume"? She looked hot.

Work it girl.

At this point, I truly have no idea who she's going to pick, which drives me a little crazy but also keeps it interesting.

Who's y'all's favorite? Who do you think she's going to choose?