This is Why I'm Single

I bit the bullet recently and joined Match.com. I figured online dating was necessary to support my new lifestyle of never leaving the house, and so far, so good.

I thought I did a pretty good job of being honest and straightforward in my profile. My byline is "NPR not the NRA" in an attempt to weed out any good ol' southern farm boys who want to take me hunting or teach me how to skin a rabbit. 

This is my profile pic. Ka-ching!

In my "About Me", I wrote:
                          I get paid to hang out with 5 year olds everyday, which is a pretty awesome job. 
                          I just got accepted to Teach for America's 2011 Corps in Eastern North Carolina, which is           
                          exciting. 

                          I'm over the 2am bar scene, and would much prefer having a beer on a patio 
                          with some live music in the background. 

                          If you like to be outside, can make me laugh, read for pleasure, and listen to NPR, 
                         I'm pretty sure we'll get along. 


Simple, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong. Below are some very real messages I've received. Please feel free to mock, openly and freely. 

ugaboy25*

Hey there my name is J i have a bachelor of science in History from Lander University. Wanted to see if your looking for someone to hangout with or go on a date with? (Funny...that is something I was looking for when signing up for a dating service) Would you like to chat? Just would like someone i can date that likes the same stuff i do....(like not capitalizing pronouns?) You seem very cool (true) and like sports (just the one) and to hang out but if you want to chat let me know im here JJ

PS Do you like horses, rodeos, horse races, wranglers jeans, jean skirts, sundresses, cowboy boots etc

Oh yeah. That. Just. Happened. 

EnsleyG,

I like your a tall woman, that appears to know what she likes and needs.

I would like to talk and meet up for that beer on the back patio listening to music! You up for it?

Ernie

Uh, Ernie? I'm 5'8. It's not like I'm on a women's volleyball team or something. Also, you are 38, bald, and extremely overweight. Ta-ta!

Hi i'm Joe*. Just seen your profile and seemed like we had a few things in common so thought I'd send ya an email.


Right. Besides the fact that we are both white, I'm not sure what you had "seen" that makes you think "we had a few things in common". 


This little gem just arrived this morning from KR498*. He's also 38!


I decided to get on match towards the end of my last relationship, while watching t.v. one night mad at the state of the union, i said to myself when she is gone, I am going to give that a shot..I think it is the way of the future unfortunatly. What ever happened to getting drunk and marrying a one night stand like everyone else does? I have learned alot about myself during this process and remain open minded. I have dated all types, including ones I thought I would eventually be attracted to due to a super personality or sense of humor. Fact is you dont sleep with those attributes, that was a joke, remember a bit sarcastic here...I am looking for love and all that comes with that.. 


I travel a couple of weeks a month.. Home on weekends and enjoy spending time in the strip clubs to all hours, (joking) I only stay at the strip clubs till dinner is on the table.... 

So, I hope I did not scare you, and I would love to have dinner with you to see if we are going to pursue this further.. 

What do you say?


I say hell no, that's what I say. Are you surprised that KR498 also has plenty of shirtless pics on his profile (taken by himself in the bathroom mirror, naturally). Didn't think so. 

*Names and locations have been changed to protect the stupid. Except Ernie, that name was too good to change.