Sorry for Partying

I guess most of us don't escape adolescence without a little tarnish on our  precious halos.

For some, it's those teased bangs that you insisted were still in long after everyone else was buying flat irons. Or putting off breaking up with your boyfriend because you really needed a date for Semi-formal.

Mine just happens to be an teensy-weensy, insignificant run-in with the law.

Believe it, y'all. 

It's not like I'm not some hardened criminal, but I did happen to take a sip of a cranberry and vodka while underage....and right in front of an undercover officer. Apparently a "My bad, yo!" when they confronted me wasn't sufficient.

Plus I'm a scaredy-cat and 'fessed up quick. That didn't seem to help, either.

(How embarrassing was it that I was drinking cranberry and vodka? I might as well have just tattooed UNDERAGE on my forehead. Lame.)

Anyways, ever since that fateful night seven years ago, I have to check "yes" on any job or school application that asks me whether or not I've ever been charged with a misdemeanor. Then not only do I have to cough up cash for a background check, but also submit a "written explanation" of the incident to whatever institution is reviewing my application.

It usually goes something like this:
"On the night of October 5, 2005, I took a sip of a friend's alcoholic drink while at a Homecoming event. I was promptly escorted outside by an undercover officer, where I was arrested and charged with underage drinking. I pleaded no contest, completed 8.5 hours of community service, and the charges were dropped."

How much of a loser do I sound like?

Here's what it should actually say:
"Well, Dear Reader, I was pretty devastated because I was on social probation from my sorority after getting caught taking tequila shots in the house. (Note to self: Shouting "TEQUILA MAKES MY CLOTHES FALL OFF!" at 9pm on a Wednesday is an easy way to attract attention to yourself. Learned that lesson the hard way!) Since I was banned from all sorority Homecoming events, I decided to hit up a fraternity function at a local bar. I happened to take a sip of a friend's cranberry and vodka when she turned her back, at which point two good looking young gentleman came and tapped me on the shoulder. I started batting my eyelashes, but realized something was amiss when they led myself and two friends out to the sidewalk, at which point they started reading me my rights, Miranda-style. It was straight out of a Law & Order episode, let me tell you! Since we were obviously dangerous criminals, they decided to handcuff us to each other, the reasoning for which is still unclear to me all these years later. I'm pretty sure three sobbing 19 year olds aren't going to try and make a run for it. 


Since I knew my parents would make pigs fly before they paid the $125 fine for me, I opted (with my bestie) to do the 8.5 hours of community service option instead. We rolled up to the downtown courthouse circa 7am, where they loaded us into a van with some very intimidating looking men. We went to a middle school where we spent the day sweeping under bleachers, playing HORSE in the gym, and discovering that pretty much everyone else was there due to serious drug charges. We tried to make up a lie about getting in a bar fight to make us sound tough, but no one believed us and called us nicknames like Vanilla and Sprinkles. Rude.


Anyways, this was all an incredible learning experience. Since that life-altering day, I reevaluated my life choices and devoted myself to religious devotion and simplicity. (Well, not really, but I do go to church and I just gave away a bunch of clothes to Goodwill.) But seriously: my "cop-dar" has become much better and I haven't gotten caught for a single thing, minus those few speeding tickets I got while listening to the audiobook of 50 Shades of Grey. 


I hope you'll still accept my application to (company/university). Can't fault a girl for liking to have a good time, right?


Sincerely yours, 
Ensley

The second one is waaaaay better. Plus honesty IS the best policy, right? (Right?!?!)

{Bachelorette} Boys Tell All?

Does it feel chilly in here to you?

Because I think hell has frozen over.

This is due to the fact that, after last night's extremely drawn-out Men Tell All special, I'm pretty sure I'd rather be trapped in a room with Kalon and Ryan together than have to listen to Chris's driveling whine and copycat statements so similar to Sean's.

Chris Douche-kowski

We get it, dude. You fell in love with Emily, she opened your heart to the "possibilities" in life (like being on Bachelor Pad) and you only wish her the best. (Just like Sean!)

Literally. Those exact words had just come out of Sean's mouth. And I'm inclined to believe ol' towhead over here because even while being dumped he acted like a gentleman, and you? Did not. (FYI? Generally, yelling at someone when they are dumping you is considered a waste of energy. They already know they don't want to be anywhere near you. Stop proving them right.)

It's like he's angry at the other guys for simply existing. Was he aware that he was on a dating show in which other contestants were asked to be there? It's unclear. He spent so much time rolling his eyes, shaking his head, and interrupting that even Ryan couldn't get a word in edgewise. (That's saying a lot.)

Of course, Emily told Kalon off about what has to be the most overblown comment in the history of The Bachelorette. It's not like you were at risk of ending up with him, sister. Let's all just let.it.go. I do appreciate the fact that she's never afraid to hurt someone's feelings when she unleashes the West Virginia Hood Rat in her. Get it, girl.

The winner of the night was Sean, who was as gracious and sweet as can be. Despite the fact that he wears weird jeans with back pocket flaps, he is such a prize. Yum. I'll leave you with a little clip proving my point:

What did y'all think of the show last night?

Portlandia, Ep. 1: Thank You for Embracing My Weirdness

Ah, Portland: The largest city in Oregon, my brother's home for the summer, and the place where men wear skinny jeans on a regular basis. Suh-weet.

I'm here for almost a week visiting my bro, which means that as soon as I got out of the car I made him do, uh, exactly what I wanted to do. 

First stop? Eat (veggie) sushi. They seem to have a lot of these conveyor-belt type restaurants in Portland, where you pick up plates as they whirl around you in a tantalizing fashion.

"Please stop taking things off the conveyor belt and putting them back." Nope.

At these places, you can eat as soon as you sit down. This is a plus. On the other hand, this tends to result in overeating for me some people. (To the point my brother was disgusted.) This can be construed as a negative depending on who you're asking.

Round numero uno...for me. 

Portland is known as an outdoorsy type o' town, evidenced by the skilled moves of this outdoor Zumba class, which, obviously I stopped and took pictures of. (It's not everyday a small town girl gets to see real life people doing Zumba!)

They're sexy and they know it.

After stuffing myself and oogling Zumba-goers, I bribed convinced my brother to see Katy Perry's Part of Me by offering to pay for his ticket telling him I had heard really great things about it. Surprise! It worked. Don't we look just like her?

Jack, lookin' good. Me? Not so much.

Not going to lie: I cried about four times. I had one foot over the "I hate Katy Perry" fence until I saw this movie, and now I'm one step away from dying my hair blue and trying to crawl onstage with her.

 For starters, I'd never realized that she writes her own music or how much creative control she truly has over her image and performances. Love! It was also incredibly inspiring to hear her rough start in the music industry, when she was signed and dropped by label after label until she met a record exec who was willing to go to bat for her. (Hint: it involves stealing all the Katy Perry files from one company and shuffling them over to another. Awesome.) 

As record labels tried to shape her into "the next Avril Lavigne" or "the next Pink", she held her ground and insisted on being the first Katy Perry. She's proof that being your authentic, weird self coupled with not giving up WILL lead to success. I'm literally still thinking about this movie almost a week after I've seen it. GO SEE IT NOW.

I'll leave you with a little clip from the genius show Portlandia. Thank me later.

Don't be the "next" anybody. Be the first "you"!

{The Bachelorette} Hometown Dates

So usually I don't blog about the Bachelorette because by the time I've watched it on my DVR, no one cares anymore. But not this week. (Fingers crossed.)

Truth: Last night may have been the first time (ever) that I was glad I'm not Emily Maynard.

It's a new feeling, y'all.

But seriously. Hometown dates seem:
1) extremely long with lots of repeating of why you think ______________(insert man's name here) is the p-e-r-f-e-c-t guy for you, and
2) more than slightly awkward when you know that you are sending that man packing in less than 72 hours.

Example: Chris. Sorry, dude. But all you did was prove to Emily that she was making the right choice with your whiny little girl act. I mean seriously. It seems like you get this mad when the tiniest little thing doesn't go your way, which means we'd used up all of our sympathy on you before the rose ceremony. It's not her fault your dad told you things that she hadn't actually said.

Buh-bye.

Then she went to Utah to visit my personal favorite, Jef. I. Love. This. Man. Maybe it's the skinny jeans, or maybe the fact that he has more product in his hair in a day than Emily does in a week, but I adore him. He's not the typical guy you see on the Bachelorette, and I find that very refreshing. Also, I like his muscles.

And can we talk about the most romantic letter ever written?!?!? I was dying. DYING. I'm pretty sure I would have demanded a ring right at that moment, and then just worn it to the rose ceremony and hoped the other guys got the picture. "Sorry losers, while you were catching up on the latest US Weekly during your plane ride home, Jef was composing the greatest love letter ever written. Buh-bye."


Then we meet Arie's family, in which they talk about Emily in Dutch while she's sitting right there! Rude, rude, rude. I couldn't really recover after that. Moving on.

Sean's "surprise" was about the lamest thing I've ever witnessed. I don't know about Emily, but I don't think it's cute or funny to get tricked just to witness my reaction. Not cool. And they did it to her twice! Can we also talk about the fact that he seems like a not-so-great kisser based on the fact that I felt like his tongue was all up in my face and I'm just a viewer? Get it together, bro.

On a final note, sister friend was getting real comfortable with that teasing comb at the rose ceremony. Can we say "volume"? She looked hot.

Work it girl.

At this point, I truly have no idea who she's going to pick, which drives me a little crazy but also keeps it interesting.

Who's y'all's favorite? Who do you think she's going to choose?

I've Got Friends with Lake Places

'Cause I got friends with low lake places,
Where the whiskey drowns,
And the beer chases my blues away,
But I'll be okay,
Now I'm not big on social graces,
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis,
Oh I got friends,
With low lake places.

Ok, so I'm not drowning anything in whiskey, but that could also be because it's summertime and all my blues are currently at home with their parents until school starts back again. 

But still, it's great to have friends with a lake house, especially when you're staying there during a week-long professional development in a windowless, florescently-lit room: 

Ew.

That's right people. Teachers work in the summertime. However, it's a new experience to go to "work" from 9-5, come home, and not have anything to do except....


make dinner.... 

Find the recipe on The Preppy Vegan

....take a bubble bath....

This happened. And it? Was glorious.

....hang out with your friends....

This makes it look like I have one friend. I promise there are more.

....or play with your new (free) iPad 3.....

We were gifted iPad3's for committing to participate in the professional development program for the next 2 year. Suh-weet! And yes I already have a Lilly background.

Oh and then there's the whole sitting on the back porch and staring at the lake thing too. Super fun.

There is a downside to being out here in nature, which is that the spotty internet caused our viewing of the Bachelorette to be, uh, slow at best. (As in: it had to buffer for 30 seconds for every 15 seconds it played. Sigh.) However, we are crazy aren't fair weather fans, so we withstood it for all of 30 minutes before we realized it was going to take us 3 hours to watch a 90 minute episode. (Rude.) Hopefully it will have buffered by like, next Monday. No guarantees.

Don't forget to follow me on Pinterest for lots of summer goodies! (Because it's summer and I now have time for social media.)

I'm off to the day job....have a fabulous Wednesday!

Say Yes to the Dress Pt. 2

After our traumatic long day of filming Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, we decided to rejuvenate ourselves via margaritas and tortilla chips before heading back to Bridals by Lori so that Caroline (the bride) could try on some dresses for herself. (Semi-important for the bride to have a dress? I like to think so.)

It just so happened that we also got to celebrate my boo Ashley's birthday: 

Sombrero and beer at 3pm? Same as any other day.

Despite the hope that they had gotten rid of us entirely, the consultants at Bridals by Lori were nice enough to let us come back without an appointment. (Robin was at the front desk when we walked in. Die. Die. Die.)

As fate would have it, Flo herself was our consultant. Despite how cranky I was, this made me super excited. (Seriously, those hot camera lights + knowing you are going to have to go into exile once the shows airs is seriously draining.)

My hair says everything about my current state: tired, raggedy, and just all around bad.

You want what now?

She was extremely patient with us, considering we were full of tequila dead tired and a little loopy. 

Case in point:

Cameras are off, but she's still working it. 

Checking out the bling-bling

It was waaaaay more fun to watch Caroline try on dresses than to:

1) be compared to a pregnant person while trying on dresses of your own (oh yes...it happened), and

2) stand under hot stage lights while sweat slowly beads on your upper lip

Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to take pictures while she tried on a lot of gorgeoussss gowns for ordering reasons. (And you know we ain't about to argue with Flo.) 

There was one AMAZING dress that made all of us (including mom!) tear up when she came out in it. Flo even jacked her up, resulting in more tears. Who would have thought a bunch of tulle and a beaded belt could cause that reaction? Go figure. 

She didn't end up saying yes to the dress, wisely deciding that a decision like buying your wedding gown shouldn't be made after a day as long as our. (Seriously...at that point we'd been in the salon for like 10 hours.)

Caroline & Flo...BFFL? 

Verdict? Longest day of my life, but at least I wasn't at work. Oh, and I definitely need to convince Mommy and Daddy to budget a lot for my non-existent future bridal gown so that I can buy it at Bridals by Lori. Crossover show anyone? 

RHOC: Did You Just Bite My Bow?

I dread to think what I'll have to do with my summer once Real Housewives of Orange County ends next week, but I think it means I might need to, like, read books or go outside. *shudder*

For serious though. I love these bia-tches and all their hair extensioned-glory. With the exception of this one: 

Sarah. Oh, Sarah. "Friend of the Housewives" and desperate to be a cast member, you randomly appear whenever free booze is a-flowing and loooove to blog on bravotv.com about episodes in which you aren't even in. Chill out, sister. The OC only has room for one brunette, and it's this bitch:

Heather Dubrow: impeccably dressed, 90 lbs soaking wet, and wrote the book about being Haughty by Nature. Seriously. She.is.the.bomb. I continually bow down and worship her based to the amount of champagne she can consume in that tiny little body without showing the slightest hint of inebriation. Can she just have her own show?

Speaking of inebriation:

Surprise! Sarah the wannabe gets it started in the limo ride while Alexis continues to talk about....something. I think it had to do with how down to earth she is despite everyone thinking she's pretentious and fake. Hey Alexis? If people are unanimous in what they think about you, it's probably true. Juuust saying. Talking to people like Sarah who are simply warm bodies telling you what you want to hear isn't going to help.

Sidenote: Why were ALL of the women wearing fur? Despite being morally against it, I thought the benefit of California weather was that you didn't have to wear fur? Ever?

Seriously....whhhhhyyy?

Then the Cake Incident of 2012 happens: Sarah (who else?) plucks a bow off Heather's $500 cake and chows down on it, before the cake was being served.

Scusi?

Gotta love Tamra's gumption. She drags that skinny b (with a tangle of hot mess for hair) right over to the cake and asks "Did you just eat the bow?"

Oh. No. You. Di'nt.

Instead of just chalking it up to the fact that she was seeing two of everyone at that point, Sarah tries to claim she has a alcohol problem "sugar problem": as in, she needs sugar from $500 cakes immediately and as soon as she desires it. I've never heard of this affliction before, but it sounds dire. I mean, what if she'd been at a party where the cake didn't have a bow? Would she have...died?

Should've stuck with the balls from the kitchen, Sarah.

I have to give the girl props for still being able to stand at this point, since the word-slurring was at an all time high. Was she sorry that she did it or mad that people were overreacting? Depends on the moment. She couldn't decide herself.

Poor Sarah. I would have broken the bow off too if it meant we could talk about something  other than how Alexis gets bullied by all the girls on the show. After 6 + hours of the I might have just stuck my entire face in the cake while screaming "MAKE IT STOP!"

Until next week: Keep your hands off the cake and ask yourself: What Would Dubrow Do?