Sorry That I'm...Not Sorry

People have been noticing from the tone of my blogs lately that this hasn't been easiest few time of my life. Months of 60-70 hour weeks will do that to you, along with living in the middle of nowhere and therefore having exactly zero work/life balance. Last night, my Dad told me I'm being too whiny here and on Facebook and that I needed to tone it down.

Mmmhmmm. 

I won't argue that I'm whiny and negative. (I mean, is the sun yellow? Is the sky blue?) But this isn't just a job. And it's not just a difficult job. It's crawling out of bed at 5:32 to get ready and walk in the door at work by 6:30. It's eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at my desk. It's understanding how to not have your feelings hurt when students call you mean/stupid/old (I could keep going). It's the disgust at hearing my students call each other "nigger" and "faggot" when they walk down the hallway, and the frustration they feel when every test result or reading score is yet another let down. It's being unable to reach a parent because their phone is disconnected, or writing yet another referral for a student that is already too far behind. It's working like a dog and still being unable to afford to go out to dinner on the weekends to relax.

It's also an important job, and one that I'm proud to do. I worked REALLY hard to get here. Some days, just some days, I notice that my kids use "please" and "thank you" almost as many times as they say "shut up" or "Imma rock you in yo face". Some days, I notice a student who came to me on a first grade level explaining that our vocabulary word "disobedient" means not following the rules. Some days, I have to beg them to put their pencils down and stop writing in their journals so that we can move on with the lesson. Some days my most troubled boys will start telling everyone "Quiet down, man! Ms. G tryin' to talk!" There are some days when their observations and thoughts are so deep and profound that I literally get chills while I'm standing up in front of the board.

And every day, I believe these children have been done an injustice since the day they were born. I believe they are products of a system that has failed them on every level: socially, emotionally, and academically. I know that many teachers, myself included, find it easy to see them as a burden and tell ourselves it would be easier if "they" weren't there. I'd probably want to punch someone in their face, too.

The past six months have been an emotional roller coaster, and there are times I feel as though I'm hanging on for dear life. But like it or not, there's no getting off now.

So I apologize for the whining. You try living 100 miles from the nearest Starbucks and tell me what your mood is like at 6:15 in the morning. (And Dad? I love you, but you've been retired since I was 12. Feel free to be the substitute in my classroom any day of the week.)

The fact that I haven't brought work home in over a week and went the ENTIRE WEEKEND without doing a lick of school work are also doing amazing things for my outlook. It's like I...lead a normal life or something.

Thanks for hanging in there with me!

My Work Here is Done

It's not surprise that I've been, uh, having an interesting time at school lately. Being the non-intimidating white girl that I am, I generally feel like the students don't respect me since it's taken me awhile to figure out a discipline system that they respond to.

But today? It all became worth it.

After hollering for 5 minutes that they would all be repeating the 7th grade if they didn't get themselves together, one of my students stopped drumming his pencils on the tables long enough to lean forward and announce:

"You know, Ms. G., you a little scary sometimes."


This? Is the nicest thing anyone's said to me. Ever.

After months and months of
1) threatening to have them retained
2) picking kids up by the back of their hoodies before tossing them in the office, and
3) yelling until my face is the color of a tomato,

 it's worked. I'm....scary. (Sometimes.)

At this point, I'll take whatever I can get. And if it means they'll close their mouths for more than 5 seconds at a time, even better. Now hush yo' fuss, pick up your pencil, and get to work so you can get to the 8th grade sooner rather than later.

The Civilization Checklist

There are many things I miss out on while living in a small town. (Namely, dating and the enjoyment of everyday life.) So when I get the chance to escape the feathered bangs and camo jackets of home to head for the greener pastures of Charlotte, I have a few things I have to do in order to make sure I've made it worth my hefty 4.5 hour drive. Here goes:

1. Starbucks. Hand over the skinny mocha with soy milk and no one gets hurt. (Unless you write "Ainsley" on my cup. Then it's on.)

2. (Vegan) Sushi. Cowfish in Charlotte is like heaven, lightly fried in tempura batter and wrapped in brown rice. (Note: if this doesn't sound like heaven to you, then you be craaaazy. Did you hear me say the word "fried"?)

3. Lilly Pulitzer. No matter that the only things I can afford are coozies and iPhone cases. The newly opened store in Southpark mall is my Mecca. Pilgrimage complete until I marry an investment banker.

Yes, I entered Lilly looking like a scrub. Feel free to judge. 

4. Walking through Freedom Park. Despite the rain, there's no better place to gush at homes that belong in Southern Living while discussing boys and dieting putting an end to world hunger.

5. Making my friends do awkward things. 

Perhaps like posing on this Crate and Barrel couch while the staff breathes down my neck? No biggie. Now look natural there while I take 5000 more. From. Every. Angle.

6. Finding yet another reason to drink margaritas. I may have to pull a Carrie Bradshaw and get married...to myself. Registered in the booze section of Crate and Barrel. 

Hello, party time.

Even though it was an amazing weekend, it's seriously depressing to have to leave the most perfect city ever to head back to trailer parks and tractors. Sigh. 

On the bright side, it's much easier to deal with a 13 year old threatening to pee herself when you won't let her go to the bathroom after you've had a wonderful weekend free from work and worry. So whiz away, sister. (And next time, don't be so cavalier about using up all of your bathroom passes.)

How Much is Too Much?

I've just about had it with these sassy students, y'all. Mmmhmm. 

In what universe is it ok to whisper to your classmates "If you keep talkin' Imma bust you in yo face", be reminded by your teacher to focus, and then turn and say to her "Why you teachers always TURNIN' ON US like that? You nice to us one day and mean to us the next."

Um....excuse me? Rude to the 756th degree. Ruh-ude.

Or "Maaaan why you teachers always gotta be making us do so much WORK and stuff?"

My apologies! I forgot that this was not, in fact, an institute of learning, but merely a place for you to hang out with your friends from the hours of 7:30-3:30. My bad. Please forgive me for interrupting your social hour. Continue to talk amongst yourselves. (Did I mention this all happened within the first 10 minutes of my 1st period? Mmhmm.)

I got my mouth washed out with soap for waaaaaaay less than that when I was growing up. And you know what I did after I got in trouble for something? I stopped doing it. Novel concept, really. 

The part that sucks the most? On a teacher's salary, I can't even drown my sorrow in extra large margaritas when I have days like this. 

Is it summer yet?

Oscar Weekend is Here!

Another year, another batch of Oscar-nominated movies that I haven't seen because I'm too busy catching up on Real Housewives. (Sorry that I'm not sorry.)

Much like the A-listers, I'm spending my weekend getting primped and preened by a glam squad who flutters around me like flies to a picnic. (My "primped and preened" I mean I'm dying my hair with a box of L'Oreal Feria. By "glam-squad" I mean I borrowed my roommates nail polish. The same? Not really.)

Of all of the Best Picture Nominees, the only one I've seen is Midnight in Paris, so that's who I'm rooting for. It seems like the only "feel good" movie on the list. If you haven't seen it, RUN to Redbox before tomorrow night. One of the best, most original movies I've seen in a long time.

I'm also excited that Melissa McCarthy is nommed for Best Supporting Actress, and Kristen Wiig is nominated for best screenplay! I never would have guessed that the Academy would nominate such a, uh, slapstick movie, but it's nice to see some funny, talented ladies getting the credit they deserve.

Who will you be rooting for tomorrow night?

Anywhere But Here

Watching waaaay too many episodes of Selling L.A. in order to escape my life has taken its toll on me: I officially have California fever.

(Note: This could also be identified as "small town fever" in which the quaint-ness of the town you live in has worn off and you feel more like every building within the entire 3 mile radius is closing in on you, ever.so.slowly.)

After days that involve yelling at students, piles of paperwork, and wondering why so many of my coworkers still have feathered bangs circa 1985, Selling L.A. has become my refreshing escape from bad-hair reality.  I want to walk through mansions with California breezes wafting through my perfectly blown-out hair, have a job that allows me to buy 20 million dollar houses, and go to work parties that involve martinis and celebrity appearances.

Palm trees, beach walks, not having to scrape frost off of my windshield at 5:48 am....

 

A girl can dream, right?  

My mom always told me that knowing what you don't want is just as important as knowing what you do. I lived in New York and it was too big, busy, and anonymous for me. (Not to mention expensive.) I dreamed of having a yard and a big sprawling house. Now I have that, but it's nearly impossible to have work-life balance when all of your neighbors are 70 and there's not a bar for 60 miles. 

To sum it up: I miss Charlotte. It was big enough to let me know I lived in a city, but small enough that I still ran into friends at the grocery store. Friday afternoons were spent at happy hour on breezy porches and Saturday afternoons meant miles of walking through Myers Park. Wednesdays meant wine night and birthdays meant dinner with the girls. I left work at 4 pm on Friday and didn't think about it again until 8 am on Monday.

So...small town life is not for me. Charlotte, I'll see you again in a year. Until then, I'm off to Virginia Beach for the weekend to remind myself what civilization looks like.

All Work and No Play...Equals My Life Everyday

I apologize for the radio silence here on Haughty by Nature for the past three weeks. Let me describe to you a sample of the things I've been doing in lieu of blogging:

Paperwork. Lesson plans. Filing paperwork. Revising lesson plans. Explaining to parents that their child can't read. Explaining to parents that their child can read but sits there like a bump on a log and therefore has a zero in my class. More paperwork. Meetings. Scrubbing "Blood Killers" off my desk that someone had scratched there in pencil. Writing referrals. Picking people's desks up and slamming them down when they fell asleep in class. More paperwork. Meetings. Throwing T.'s journal across the room like a frisbee before and screaming at him to get to the office. Doing vocabulary drills. Wiping away a dyslexic child's tears after he made a zero on his test because he couldn't read it. Writing notes to parents saying their child works well in small groups. Talking to students in the hallways about why yelling "I'm going to effing kill you" is actually inappropriate in 100% of situations. Talking to students about how it is actually 1) rude and 2) unhelpful to tell one of their group members that they just "can't be helped" before snatching flashcards out of their hands. More paperwork. Yelling at J. to stop pouting about the 46 he got on his test because that's what happens when you don't pay attention while I'm teaching. 

And that was just yesterday.

The honeymoon stage is over, and February has been a particularly tough month with the mountain of paperwork I've had to deal with in addition to everything else. I want my life back.

I want to leave work at work and come home and relax. I want to work out. I want to keep in touch with my friends and family. I want to have time to get my haircut and have the money to get my nails done. I need a massage. I want to be able to shut my brain off so that students aren't the last thing I think about before I fall asleep and the first thing I think about upon waking up.

The other hard part about living in this town is that my only friends are teachers, which means conversations inevitably turn to work when we're together. (This doesn't help the brain shut off mentioned earlier.)

I've put in 60 hour weeks every week for the past 3 weeks. There hasn't been a day when I've spent less than 12 hours of work. Basically, I'm burnt out, I'm tired, and there's still 5 weeks until spring break.

Help? How can I recharge?