Monday, January 31, 2011

The Fave Five

Last week, I was kindly tagged by Adrienne over at The Rich Life (On a Budget) in her post about the five things she can't leave home without. Since I know you all have an insatiable thirst for All Things Haughty, I thought I'd play along. For your sake.

In my case, this list should be called "The Five Things I Can't Leave Home Without, But  Realize I've Forgotten When I'm Halfway to Work". Or I'll just think I forgot them (like when my phone buries itself into the deep recesses of my purse) and send myself into an adrenaline-fueled panic. It's kind of like an episode of 24 in my car every morning, basically. Intense.

1. Phone

It's the Spring HTC Hero with a cute pink case. And mine's even cuter than this picture because I downloaded Lilly backgrounds for it! (Hold your applause please.)

2. Soft-covered Journal

I like having a small, soft journal for to-do lists and genius Haughty by Nature post ideas. I found this one for $8 on Etsy. Cheap? Recycled? Cute? Check, check, and check.

3. Lilly Planner 2011
Except when the inside of said Lilly planner looks like this, I'm not sure how organized you can claim to be.

4. Reading Material

I have more books and magazines than I have time to read. (Do they have a Hoarders: Fashion Magazines series?) I like to keep a few on hand for my lunch break (to avoid small talk in the teacher's lounge) or if I'm sitting around somewhere (like the waiting room at Jiffy Lube. Seriously how long does it take?)

This cover did not help my 3pm chocolate craving.

5. Wallet
You're probably thinking "Well, duh". I am, too. But I always get in a panic that I've forgotten it (even though I never take it out of my purse), only to discover that it is actually buried deep beneath items 1-4 in my Target tote. This isn't my exact wallet, but mine is a Kate Spade that I'm going to keep forever and ever because my daddy bought it for me.

So there you have it: a small glimpse into my glamorous life. Intriguing, right?

What do you all never leave home without/always forget?

Friday, January 28, 2011

And the Oscar Goes To...

Maybe I'm becoming more cultured than I think.

It's always a bit soul-crushing when the Oscar nods come out and you've seen nary a one of the Best Picture nominees. But it seems my streak is over: I've actually seen one of the films on the list! (But only one.)

Still. Baby steps people.

And I have really, really good reasons for not seeing the rest. Check it out:

2011 Best Picture Nominees
Black Swan: Everyone that I asked about this told me that it contains disturbing images from which I would never recover (so what? I get freaked out easily). If I'm going to put myself through that, I might as well watch Bridalplasty. I'm intrigued, but not enough to lose sleep over it.
Inception: Not only is this the only nominee I've actually seen, it has Leonardo Dicaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Nothing disturbing about that. My vote for Best Picture! (Though, based on the contents of this post, I'm pretty sure my vote doesn't carry much weight.)
127 Hours: Since this is about that hiker who had to saw off his arm to escape from under a boulder, I'm going to have to go with the Bridalplasty argument again. Though  slightly curious about how they make James Franco look as if he's chopping off his own body part, it's not enough to subject myself to possible mental scarring.
The Social Network: I thought this was just a "movie about Facebook". Since I spend the majority of my free time on FB anyway, I thought I could just imagine what it was about. Oops. Guess that's not really the same.
Winter's Bone: Has anybody heard of this? Anybody?
The King's Speech: Seems pretty inspiring, but again...for $12 a ticket, I need to be sure.
The Fighter: How many movies need to be made about punching other people in the face as a profession? Lame.
The Kids Are All Right: I've actually been meaning to see this. Juliana and Annette? Lesbian couple whose children want to contact their sperm donor? Sounds like a recipe for entertainment to me.
Toy Story 3: Huh? Don't they have an animated category for this stuff? Buh-bye.
True Grit: Considering I haven't talked to one single person whose seen this, nor seen even a glimpse of a preview, I'm going to have to cross my arms, furrow my brow, and give the Academy a "Really?" on this one. (I'm sure they're quaking in their seats and instantly regretting their decision.)

So...basically the nominees can be divided into the following categories:

1. Super Awesome:

2. Rent These:
The Kids are Alright
The King's Speech
The Social Network

3. Avoid Unless Emotional Disturbance is the Goal:
Black Swan
127 Hours

4. Who the H-E-L-L Nominated You for Best Picture?
The Fighter
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Any thoughts? If you are willing to front me the ticket price, I'll be glad to change my opinion on any of the above movies that I haven't seen. Until then, let the Academy know that I am not at all pleased. And pass the popcorn, please.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Importance of Being Earnest

An added benefit to this new vegan lifestyle I've been living (besides the incredible nutritional benefits, environmental impact, and overall good karma points) is the sense of superiority I now have over most people. (Especially if you're on that "new" Paleolithic diet. Enjoy heart disease, sickos.)

Picture this: It's Friday night, and I'm at Cabo Fish Taco to meet a friend's new boyfriend. (I was pretty sure she was keeping him in hiding from me until the last possible minute. What? I can be tough. But only to people that suck, and her boyfriend doesn't.) This friend also invited her brother and his girlfriend, who then invited another couple to join us.

Yaaay! Triple date...and me. How fun is THAT?

They all order cute little appetizers to share while I try not to barf in my mouth.  I decide to throughly enjoy my house margarita(s) and order the Rosarita Fajitas with roasted veggies and no cheese (yum).

Heads snapped in my direction.

"Are you a vegetarian?" asks Brother's Girlfriend.

"Yes I am, it was my New Year's resolution," I respond.

"I'm a vegetarian!" says Girlfriend in the Other Couple.

Pause. "Weren't you just pounding eating that crab dip?" I ask.

"Oh yea, well, I eat chicken and seafood," she says matter-of-factly.

Really? Because the last time I checked, chickens weren't vegetables. Luckily, I didn't actually say this because I had two margaritas' worth of tequila swimming in my bloodstream, which rendered me only able to let out a loud "Oh. Ok," and dig back into my fajitas. (Mind you, I think it's great that she doesn't eat red meat. Every little change can have a huge impact on your body and our environment. But calling yourself a vegetarian who "only" eats chicken and seafood is like saying you've been sober for seven years because you "only" drink whiskey and scotch.

"Ensley's probably going to tell us she's a vegan now," laughed Brother's Girlfriend.

Chuckle away, people. "I am a vegan, actually," I smiled.

The chuckling stopped. "You know, I've always wanted to be a vegetarian," said Brother's Girlfriend.

See, that's the thing about being yourself. You never know if you might suddenly encourage others to do the same. Most of all, whatever your choices are, own them, be respectful, or at least drink too much tequila to get in an argument about them.

Monday, January 24, 2011

A Wolf in Bride's Clothing

Just another day at the office. While researching my bridal article for Elevate Lifestyle's February Weddings issue, Crystal Sellers at Nitsa's was kind enough to offer her time to give me a sample fitting.

What is a sample fitting, you say? Why, it's just when I get to try on expensive high-end wedding dresses at one of Charlotte's nicest bridal salons!

The things I do for my craft. Let me tell you.

I mean, here I am, slogging through the trenches, dear reader, just to get you the dirty details of what it's actually like to be a bride.

You know what I discovered? It's awesome. Especially when you are a fake rich bride whose budget, as Crystal said, is "unlimited".

Pictures don't do this Vera Wang dress justice. And I'm not sure what I was talking about, but more than likely I was asking innocent passerby to tell me how awesome I looked. 
There were way more dresses and pictures, but most of them glaringly showcased some sort of undergarment of mine for all the world to see. No thank you. Plus, after dusting shelves for the entirety of our teacher workday (it's called a day job people!) I looked pretty fug. Then there was the Monique Lhullier dress that my arms were too fat to fit in. But I digress.

If the days comes in which I'm actually searching for couture wedding dresses, I did learn that you have to keep an open mind. For example, I picked the Amsale dress you see above, which was beautiful but heavy and swoosh-y. Not exactly me. (But there's nothing wrong with being swoosh-y.). Crystal pulled the Vera Wang dress, which I was suspicious of at first. Suspicious, that is, she told me it was Khloe Kardashian's wedding dress.

To which all I can say is "holla"! She added a gorgeous necklace to my ensemble, and I was ready to drop four figures right then and there to have that dress. Until she reminded me that I wasn't actually getting married.

In summary: Crystal was awesome, and you should totally visit Nitsa's if you are looking for your dream dress. I had a wonderful time with Laura at Hayden Olivia as well, but there aren't any pictures from that visit for you to coo over.

Stay tuned for Elevate's February Issue! It's going to be epic.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Moosewood Mushroom Curry

Week 2 of my Great Vegetarian Adventure has begun. This recipe (also from the Moosewood Cookbook) kept me warm and happy on our three snow days last week. (Or maybe it just kept me eating and thus prevented me from making everyone around me miserable complaining so much. Either way, it worked.)

So I totally didn't take this picture, but this person did!
Moosewood Mushroom Curry
2 Tbs butter or margerine (I used olive oil)
2 cups chopped onion
3 medium cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp. cinnamon (I added another 1/2 a tsp.)
1 tsp. turmeric (I, uh, tripled this. I think I was an Indian in a past life.)
1 tsp. powdered ginger
1 tsp. mustard seeds
1/2 tsp. cloves or allspice
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1 cup chopped celery
1 1/2 lbs mushrooms, coarsely chopped
3 medium sized tomatoes, chopped (Ok, ok. I used whole canned tomatoes. I don't have all day here!)
2 medium tart apples, chopped
1/2 cup shredded unsweetened coconut
1 Tbs. honey (optional, but I obviously took the option)
3 to 4 Tbs lemon juice
Cayenne, to taste (which means I didn't put any in)

1) Heat the butter olive oil in a large, deep skillet. Add onions and garlic, and saute over medium heat. When you get bored After a few minutes, add the spices and salt. Saute another 5 to 8 minutes, or until you can't stand it anymore the onions are soft.

2) Add celery and mushrooms. Mix well, cover, and simmer another 8 to 10 minutes. Attempt to entertain your roommate by shouting "simma down, simma down", but realize she doesn't think it's funny. (To be honest, neither do you.) Stir occasionally. You can add up to 1/2 cup of water to prevent sticking. (I'm not sure what happens if you don't add the water, but I wasn't about to find out.)

3) When the celery is slightly tender, add tomatoes, apple, coconut, honey, and lemon juice. Cover and cook until everything is tender but not mushy. (Ew.) Let sit for about 10 minutes before serving. Serve over instant brown rice. 

And, voila! You will be transported from your tiny, icy cold apartment to the curry scented shores of India. You.Are.Welcome. 

Now that you owe me big time for feeding you so well, pop on over to read Allison's Happy Tales blog. Not only is she also from Charlotte, she gave me a shout out AND has the cutest dog ever. Win-win-win. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

What's Your (New) Sign?

Apparently I'm going to have to find a new pick up line. According to this article, the astrological signs have changed over time and we're now a month "off" from the dates that traditional astrology swears by. According to the article, I'm really a Pisces instead of an Aries. Oh, and they randomly threw in a thirteenth sign (Ophiuchus?) after some jibber jabber about a wobbly celestial equator. Huh?

What.the.hell? Being an Aries was what I've used to excuse my bitchy, arrogant, and bossy behavior for the past 25 years. (What? I can't help it. It's in my stars.) Now I'm suddenly supposed to be a Pisces? No can do. They can't just throw this at me and expect me to change who I am.

The article goes on to state that only 25% of people "believe" in the current astrological signs. While I don't look to a one-sentence blurb in the newspaper to predict my day (unless it happens to say I'm going to meet a tall dark stranger), I do believe the personality profiles of these signs tend to be dead-on. For example, in this book "Goddess Power" that I found for 99 cents at a used bookstore, says:

              "Impulsive, impatient, and demanding instant gratification, the Aries woman
               can act out both selfishness and an emotional immaturity that makes her
               difficult to be around. There can be a 'me, first' or a 'me, me, me' attitude that
               can dominate and alienate others."

Um, hello? Hits the nail on the head. (Please see title of this blog for proof.) Especially since, as a teenager, my parents described me as living in an Ensley-centric Universe. (My response: Why the heck would I want to live anywhere else?) In fact, they still probably think this, but the gravitational pull is far less since I flew the coop. On the brighter side, it also says:

             "Classic extroverts, the Aries spirit gets even brighter through her ability to befriend            
               with less light, fewer gifts, and less natural advantages."

Duh! I totally use my popularity for good. Like helping the boring, stupid, ugly people. (What? Read the description again. That's what it says.)

See? Now that I'm a Pisces, I feel the need to apologize for merely being who I am.

So, guess what scientists? I don't believe you. This sounds like another one of those "world is flat" sort of discoveries. When your theory is proven wrong, I'll be waiting to console you and say I told you so. After all, it's what an Aries would do.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Eggplant and Almond Enchiladas?

Yep, you heard me right. Eggplant and almond enchiladas. And they.were.awesome. (My photos of the process are nowhere near as delicious. Sorry about my lack of skills/would this be a bad time to mention I was a photography major?)
After my "New Year's Intention" (get it? Better than a resolution!) of eating more whole foods, I dusted off my Moosewood Cookbook that my mom bought me when I was a teenager. (After two years, she realized being vegetarian wasn't a "stage" I guess.) Unfortunately, years of living in a sorority house and working in restaurants  knocked my ability to cook down to about 0. Now that I live in Charlotte, our tiny (but perfect!) apartment has a nice sized kitchen that I decided to use for more than microwaving take better advantage of. 

My first experiment: Eggplant and Almond Enchiladas, because who doesn't love a good Mexican dish? (Ok, so I really just like tequila, but I find that the food complements it well.) And if I'd actually read the part of the recipe where it said to make the Mexican Red Sauce ahead of time, I would have been golden! (It's the paying attention part that really gets me in trouble.)

I linked to the recipe above instead of giving you the blow by blow here (mostly in case you aren't that interested). But here are the highlights:

Note to self: make less of a mess.

Dipped the tortillas in water, then added a 1/4 cup of filling

Voila! Literally hot from the oven. Look pretty good, don't they?
The only modification I would make is removing the cheese, not because of my attempted vegan-ism but because you can't really taste it. So what's the point? Save the calories for your margarita. Overall, the eggplant has a nice texture and the almonds give it a good crunch. I served them with Refritos, as suggested in Moosewood. (I didn't take any pictures because refried beans aren't very photogenic.)

Refritos (Refried Beans)
2 cups pinto beans (they said to use dry beans and soak them, but who am I kidding? I used canned)
2 Tbs olive oil
2 cups minced onion
5 to 6 (or even more) medium cloves of garlic, minced
2 tsp. cumin
1.5 tsp salt
black pepper
optional: 1 small bell pepper, minced

-Heat olive oil in large skillet. Add onion, half the garlic, cumin, and salt. Saute over medium heat about 10 minutes, or until the onions are soft. Add (or don't) the optional bell pepper and saute another 5 minutes. Add remaining garlic; season with black pepper.

-Turn heat to low, add beans and mix well. Mash with a fork or potato masher and cook for just a few minutes more.

It's a good thing I loved these, because it made 6-8 servings. So...basically I've been eating this for a week now. Worth it!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Yogi Goes To Kickboxing

After three days of utter isolation ice and snow, my roommate's dear mother took pity and offered to come pick us up and take us to the Y for a kickboxing class. (I still had to Find My Zen, because I was seized by utter panic at the thought that icy roads = certain death.) 

Now, ever since finals ended in December, my exercise has pretty much consisted of power yoga (especially Body by Bethenny, below) and walking (while listening to audio books and podcasts). And what do you know? I've lost 9 lbs and counting! (Well, that was before the three snow days in which I made every attempt to fatten up for the winter.)

Find It Here!
But today I needed to get off the couch and I figured a good kickboxing class would help to offset the effects of 72 hours of power eating.

That's me on the left...not.
When we first arrived, our instructor described the class as a mix between kickboxing and a hip-hop dance class. Red flag! I can kick and punch all day, but add some fancy (or not so fancy) footwork and I stand there, lost and entranced by what the instructor is doing. Not really the best way to burn calories.

Actually, the choreography wasn't too difficult, I'm just lazy. There's only so many times someone can shout "HIGH KNEES! GET.THEM.UP.THERE!" Before I get tired, cross my arms and start to pout. I missed Bethenny, making fun of herself and telling us she was going to "call India" because humble warrior is more accurately described as "boob to knee pose".

Plus, kickboxing is just more fun when you have an ex-boyfriend's face in mind to really give that uppercut some power. Unfortunately for my martial arts skills, I'm pretty Zen in that area right now as well.

So, considering I'm exhausted, hungry, and slightly dehydrated, I think I'll leave the kickboxing for those girls next to me that were doing jumping jacks like 5 feet in the air. (Seriously, though, how does anyone jump that high? It's not normal. Their butts jiggled a lot though, which gave me some small satisfaction.) I'll take some Bethanny or a walk to Freedom Park any day of the week. Namaste to that! 

Healthiest States in America

This article popped up on my home page this morning, tempting me by asking if I lived in America's Unhealthiest State. (Turns out, I don't.) 

However, people in Mississippi do. (Are we really shocked, people? Really?) The article points to low graduation rates and lack of primary care physicians as major factors in the low ranking. I guess we are ignoring the fact that folks in the Deep South would fry their breakfast cereal if given the chance.

The five unhealthiest states were:      

46. Oklahoma
47. Nevada
48. Arkansas
49. Louisiana
50. Mississippi   

However, I did make a face at the supposed "healthiest" state: Vermont. Say what? The article said that Vermonters (Vermontians? Whatever.) were probably "out celebrating their first-place finish with an invigorating mountain hike". Has the author of this article ever been to Vermont? Because I'm pretty sure a snowy January hike would be a bit more than "invigorating". Try "so cold it makes you wonder if your fingers are still attached to your body". 

The 5 healthiest states were: 

1. Vermont
2. Massachusetts
3. New Hampshire
4. Connecticut
5. Hawaii 
(Ok, really? I would be a lot healthier too if I had the option of being in a bathing suit 350 days a year.)

I call bias on this so-called "study". New England has 4 of the 5 healthiest states? Ahead of Hawaii? 

Even if it is true, I lived in New England for one winter, and that was enough for me. I'll still take the South any day, where the winters are mild (minus the past few days), the beaches are close, and the people are better-looking. Thanks. And pass the fried pickles. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Snow Day Wish List

1.I wish it was sunny.
2.I wish it was warm.

Things I Could Have Done Today:
1. Jillian Micheal's Yoga Meltdown
2. Finished my book
3. Started a new book
4. Dusted
5. Vacuumed
6. Watched a movie
7. Caught up on phone calls
8. Written my thank you notes

Things I Have Actually Done Today
1. Eaten the entire contents of my fridge
2. Eaten the entire contents of my pantry
2. Consumed half a pot of coffee
3. Fallen asleep watching HGTV (probably due to the overfeeding and caffeine crash)
4. Facebook stalked people I haven't seen since freshman year. Of high school.
5. Made a FB fan page for this ol' blog (ok, so maybe that was semi-productive)
6. Perused a Vogue from August 2010 (why is this still in our living room?)

Being from Florida and all, I'm just not used to snow days. We used to get the occasional day off for hurricanes, but they weren't that relaxing seeing as how we were afraid for our lives and all. (What? You never know when a tree might just crash through the roof!)

So...I'm thinking I may have reached a point in which I'm willing to go out in the snow just so my muscles don't atrophy. Thank goodness I have a roommate, or I would feel like one of those people who doesn't see sunshine for 80 years and has back issues of National Geographic piled up to the ceiling in every room of the house.

But then again...this four day weekend is something I could definitely get used to. What are you all doing if you're stuck inside like me?

Almond Yogurt: Attempts of a Lazy Foodie

Since one of my (many) 2011 goals is to lose my chub focus on health, my first step is going to be limiting the animal products in my diet while increasing the amount of fresh fruits and vegetables. So far it's working: I'm 9lbs lighter than when I started making an effort to eat less and move more. (Aka, I'm obviously a weight-loss expert now.)
Now, after reading this article by the Nutrition Diva, I'm choosing to limit dairy products on the notion that our bodies are not meant to digest it after weaning. If you need proof, just look at nature: milk is high in fat and calories in order to nourish a mammal's young. Do you want the same BMI as a baby? Didn't think so. 
Not quite bikini ready are we? Tsk, tsk. 
Luckily for all of you, I'm here to experiment with recipes and bring you the ones that won't make you vomit only the best! My first attempt? Yogurt made from almond milk. 

I got the idea from my own genius brain this great post on Heather Eats Almond Butter. I had to experiment with her recipe for a bit to get it right, but it basically went like this: 

In a saucepan, I combined: 

1 cup of Silk PureAlmond Milk:
 (I used Original )

With 1 rounded Tablespoon of Kanten Flakes (from Berrybrook Farm, my local patchouli-scented Health Food Store):

Kanten Flakes are basically nature's version of gelatin, they just come from the sea instead of horse hooves. (Ew.) 

Don't stir the mixture until it comes to a boil, and after that stir occasionally until the flakes dissolve. (Depending on how much you are making at once, this could take 5-10 min.) Let it cool completely before transferring it to a bowl and sticking it in the fridge. 

Within an hour or two (I lost track of time watching Real Housewives), voila! I had almond milk custard. I threw it in the blender with another splash of almond milk to make it creamy, and here was my result: 

Not half bad, huh? It had the same consistency as most light yogurts, like Yoplait Light or Activia. (Added bonus: no aspartame or other artificial ingredients like those yogurts have!) It made a great snack the next day with some banana and a dollop of honey. 

When I can afford my own handy dandy yogurt maker, Renegade Health had a great how-to video on fermenting your own non-dairy yogurt and sour cream. (It's legit.)

I've also listened to a couple of nutritional Food for Thought podcasts. I found them very helpful in clearing up myths about vegetarian nutrition. 

Have any of your tried something like this before? How did it turn out?

Happy Eating!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Paging Mr. Mizrahi

Since this is my first snow day since the first grade (hello? I'm from F-L-O-R-I-D-A. We hunker down when it rains), I'm trying to think of creative things to to. First on my list: peruse my bookshelf for all the bargain finds I've collected but never cracked open. (I mean, first on my list after, uh, balancing my checkbook and ending world hunger. Obviously.)

First up: Isaac Mizrahi's How to Have Style.

Which could be alternatively titled: "Ensley, You Have a Lot of Shopping To Do" or "How On Earth Do You Ever Leave the House?"

Though I guess some things don't really apply to me, like "finding the right heels for work". Until they make heels that 1) don't hurt and 2) can magically levitate, hovercraft-style, over 24 backpacks and jackets strewn over the floor at dismissal time, I'll stick to flats.

I was happy to note that I did have some of the items he featured in the "What You Need" section, like, um, black pants and a tote bag. (Maybe I shouldn't have hastily spent my Christmas gift cards on Sex and the City seasons after all...oops.) However, Isaac does recommend that we all have an "aspirational" handbag, which is no problem for me!

I would happily take this one:

Or this one:
Balenciaga "City" Bag
Buuuut, for their $1500 or so retail price, I'd rather someone just pay my rent for four months. Ka-ching!

He also lists various pieces of costume jewelry every stylish woman should have, but fails to mention what to do if all of your jewelry could be considered "costume".

The biggest thing that I took away from this book was the need for an inspiration board:
Isaac's inspiration board
I've been wanting to make one for months now, but am too lazy busy to hunt down and buy a cork board and cute frame. Of course, now I'm all inspired, but scared to leave my house for fear of freezing to death or becoming one of the characters in an Annie Proulx short story. So, here's hoping that I'll be inspired to...inspire myself. And buy more (cute) clothes.  Maybe this day won't be so unproductive after all. (Though I still have laundry and creating world peace on my to-do list.)

Dashing Through the Snow

While the sky here in Charlotte basically vomits snow (woohoo, no work!) , I can't help but think it was just over a week ago that I was here:

Oceanside on Stocking Island, Bahamas

Where the only footprints are mine...

...the sky and water are equally blue...

...and miles and miles of the most beautiful beach I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot!).
This is my "happy place". (And my "tanning for hotness" place.) Sigh. Spring Break is only 3.5 months away!

Monday, January 3, 2011

2011: Heavy on the Sass, Light on the Class

Stocking Island, Bahamas

The thing about celebrating New Year's in an Out Island of the Bahamas
is that you have to be sassy in order to survive. (Per-FECT!) You, being a white
girl of smallish (?) stature are surrounded by droves of very large

Bahamian men who are constantly catcalling and tsk-ing at you (apparently they think that I find this attractive, which is
interesting). Not only do you have to practice The Look of disdain,
but you occasionally have to let them know when they have stepped over the line. 

Case in point: Isaac. Isaac is a very nice Bahamian in his mid 30s.

Unfortunately for poor Isaac, he decided it would be a good idea to grab my upper arm fat muscle and say "Woooo, girl. You got

somethin' to grab ON TO!"

Big mistake. Big, biiiiig mistake.

He was lucky that I was double-fisting, and therefore rendered unable
to slap him on his face. But I DID have a lot of rum in my
bloodstream, so my voice was sufficiently loud.

"ISAAC! You do NOT tell an American they've got "something to grab on

to". American girls want to be told they have NOTHING to grab on to.

Nothing! We like to be compared to skin and bones. Rude.

Alvin (who runs one of the beach restaurants), Tori (an American working in the Bahamas), my frenemy Isaac, and myself. Sorry about the rain splatters on my camera lens.  
Anyways, he apologized, and I not only got him to buy me a drink out

of guilt but also felt like I had done the world a favor by passing
along this information. You're welcome, world!

Then I met Scott*. Big, fat Scott. Scott is sailing with his super
cool Australian uncle for a couple of months. Unfortunately, Scott is
neither Australian or the least bit cool. He
is however, fat, lazy, boring, rude, and able to trap people in

conversations that have no meaning or value for seemingly hours on
end. Here is a little snippet of our beautiful exchange:

This is a pretty accurate depiction of ol' Scotty.

Me: Hey, Scott! Your uncle just asked if you would go down to the
beach. Your dinghy is filling up with water from the waves and he
asked that you come help.

Scott: Nah. He'll be fine.

Me: Um, what? No, he won't. I just tried to help him but I wasn't
really strong enough.

Scott: So, what? You want me to like, apologize to you? I'm not doing that.

Me: (Pause for a beat.) Nooooo. But it will be a little hard to get
home safely when your dinghy is full of water and stranded on the

Scott then proceeds to put his hand in my face as in "talk to the
hand". For real? Who DOES that?

Luckily for him, my double-fisting drinks were empty and I was

rendered unable to throw one of them in his face.

Luckily for me, my Bahamian friend Isaac chose that moment to come up
and ask "is this guy bothering you?", to which I smiled at him
sweetly, batted my eyelashes,
and replied "Yes. Yes he is".

And then I left Fatty Fatty No Friends to deal with my new Bahamian

friend (and all of his Bahamian friends).

Welcome to the Bahamas, sucker!

So, even though  I got my arm fat squeezed, wish I could have had a
few more words with a certain overweight loser, and had to pull
dinghies full of water up onto the beach in my cute clothes, I still
had a great time. I love 2011!

What sort of debauchery did you lovely readers experience on New Year's Eve? What do you love about 2011?

*This is totally his real name. Whatever...he deserves it.

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